Bill O'Reilly Totally Gets Lindsay Lohan

The suffocating demands of fame, it seems, have taken a terrible toll on Fox News' favorite son, Bill O'Reilly. In fact, he's so psychically drained by the constant scrutiny that comes with being among the world's most recognizable "big personalities" (coughassholecoughcough) that he's even starting to identify with—-no, it's too horrible to say! Just read it yourself:

As O'Reilly puts it, here are the facts: There are death threats. He has to hire bodyguards. He can't check into hotels with his family. People on the street with cell phones are stealth paparazzi, capable of snagging a picture one minute, then posting it on the Web the next. He adds that during the past year he's had to "even get more stuff to make it more difficult for people to get through the wire. Who wants to live like that?" [...]

"I don't need to do the show anymore [and] I'm as famous as I need to be. I don't like being famous. ... I can't take my family and stay in a hotel, so what good is it?

"You have to worry about who's looking at you - are they taking your picture? Did you curse at this guy? If you nudge somebody's bumper, are they going to sue you for $80million?

"I never felt sorry for people like Lindsay Lohan in my life. I thought they were dopey little movie stars. Now I feel sorry for those people. That poor little girl is 19 and can't leave the house without some idiot doing something."

Soon enough, O'Reilly will learn to stop fighting against fame and embrace it like his teenage inspiration. Everything will seem so much easier once he gets a huge sets of tits bolted on, suddenly drops thirty pounds, and loses hours at a time crammed into a Spider Club bathroom stall with a couple of his closest gal pals. Yes, that will all be nice, but his first real taste of freedom, when he finally feels utterly, deliciously alive, will come that first time he hears the satifsying crunch of his bumper slamming into an SUV full of paparazzi, $80 million lawsuits be damned.