Yesterday, we mentioned that a fake David Cross was running around Manhattan, impersonating the Arrested Development actor and comedian so as to nail some chicks (in fact, we think our most recent Gawker Stalker sighting may, in fact, have been a sighting of Fake David). Cross, rightfully disturbed and disgusted by this hipster-charlatan, writes us:
David Cross here. So, about this Imposter guy running around trying to get free drinks and get laid by saying he's me - There is a simple way to identify him/me. And first of all how fucking creepy is this? What a double douchebag! As well as possibly a potentially dangerous person. Anyway, up until last friday night I was in a 3 and a half year long relationship with my girlfriend whom I was very much in love with [Ed: Whoa — talk about burying the lede!] and wouldn't have gone home with anybody much less taken them back to "my place" (I just got dumped, so ironically I am now single and this guy is really encroaching on me).
Full imposter-detecting instructions from Cross after the jump.
But here's how you can instantly tell whether or not it's me - ask to see my tattoo. It's on my right arm/shoulder and it's an intricate depiction of a Max Fleisher-esque smiling pig standing upright and serving you his own ribs straight from his open chest (because let's be honest, I love bar-b-que). There is a pool of blood and entrails by his feet and in a bit of pure tattoo genius, the pig has his own tattoo of the Kosher "k" in a yellow star on his shoulder. If this guy won't show that to you or he doesn't have that tattoo, call him on his shit and humiliate him in front of everybody.
This whole thing really pisses me off and I am truly very sorry if anything untoward or worse, unfunny, was done in my name. I will try to make it up to you if I can (hint, hint ladies). Sorry, that last thing was a crude and tasteless example of something this guy might say. As the guy on Hill Street Blues used to say before everyone went off on that day's assignments; "Let's be careful out there".
Thanks for your time,
David Cross (the real one with the tattoo)
Related: David Cross Imposter Sleeping With Unsuspecting Women All Over Lower Manhattan [The Apiary]