Translating Thrillist

Yesterday, we lamented the existence of Thrillist, an email newsletter catering to Golden Tee-playing Murray Hill boys and their love of drinking and humping. In particular, we're frustrated by the lack of a comparable newsletter for ladies and/or Gays (save for the overly-precious Daily Candy), and we suggested that we might start translating Thrillist for our own means. Today's edition, in which Thrillist men can learn about a rip-cord applicator condom — donned with such speed that you'd have to be a fucking girl to lose your erection in the process — is exactly the sort of thing that could be easily and effectively marketed to the opposite sex:

It's the third date, and you've waited. You could've done him the night you met, but you held out to make sure he was worth getting waxed for. Tonight's the night, though — he's in your bed, and you're wearing the nice panties. But seconds before the two of you embark on a steamy consummation, the object of your lust goes limp and you're enraged. What to do? Be patient, stay calm, and don't slap him just yet. Don't let his embarassment stand in the way of your pleasure. Suck it up and give his unit another shot — and, before it's too late, bust out a Hot Rod Speedstrip condom. If the ripcord speed doesn't keep him at attention, he certainly doesn't deserve to be near your sheets.

Earlier: Thrillist Makes Things So Unfair