One Night In Francis: The Deflowering Of A Soft-Core King

Radar's report on the videotaped defilement and robbery of Girls Gone Wild mogul and recent Lindsay Lohan-autograph recipient Joe Francis, and the Paris Hilton-entangled events that led up to it, has been made available on their website. We must warn you, however: though there are no objectionable photos, merely thinking the name "Joe Francis" in conjunction with "Paris Hilton" stamps this entire business with a big, fat 'NSFW'.

Where to begin...How about with the pink dildo lodged in Francis' crack?

The videotape on the screen in front of me is stark, grainy. The color is garish, almost fluorescent, possibly from too many generations of loosely authorized copying. A shirtless male figure lies face down on a mattress, his head resting on a pillow. His eyes flutter at half-mast. His mouth is puddled in a stuporous grin, and he looks very, very high. The camera pans to reveal his pants dragged down around his knees and a pink vibrator resting on the crest of his buttocks, lazily gyrating with an irritating whine.
The mood is hardly erotic. The man on the screen looks like a hostage in one of those videos streaming out of war-ravaged Iraq: disheveled, sleep-deprived, disoriented, and, just maybe, fearing something on the order of an on-camera beheading. My name is Joe Francis, he says repeatedly in a damaged monotone, slurring his words in a continuous stream. I m from Boys Gone Wild, and I like it up the ass.

The director/violator of the video, a slippery scenester and graduate of the Six Degrees of Separation Charm-and-Con school named Darnell Riley, is currently incarcerated with a bail set at $1.05 million. He claims Francis and Hilton were both personal friends, and that Francis submitted to the events depicted by his own free will a defense which should make for some compelling testimony at next year's trial. With the subpoenas already flying, we can only imagine Hilton is busily considering which bunny-lingerie/birth control patch combo will best convey her courtroom credibility.