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The American system of celebrity jurisprudence is so critically overtaxed that even A-list actors like Russell Crowe, who famously took up the cause of unacceptable customer service by bludgeoning a concierge with a telephone in early June, have to wait almost half a year to receive their token fines and stern wrist slaps:

Academy Award-winning actor Russell Crowe pleaded guilty on Friday to reduced misdemeanor charges for hitting a hotel clerk with a telephone in June and was fined $160 and told to stay out of trouble. [...]

Crowe's lawyer, Gerald Lefcourt, told reporters that if the actor was arrested again in the coming year, he would face the original felony charges. He said the outcome of Friday's hearing meant Crowe was free to travel and work in America.

"He is very happy to have this behind him; he can now go on with his life. It is not going to prevent him from doing whatever it is that he wants to do," Lefcourt said.

Actually, this punishment is harsher that it might first appear. While Crowe will be able to continue his American movie career, he'll have to abandon chasing his crazy dream of kicking the ass of every snotty, high-end service industry employee during his yearlong probationary period. And unless you've tasted the sweet blood of a freshly throttled valet parking attendant after he slams the Hummer's door a little too emphatically, you can't truly know what a hardship this is.