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Once again (and this one really stings), our fancy Hollywood premiere invitation appears to have been pilfered by the mailman, as we spent a night on the couch ignoring some Barbara Walters special instead of enjoying the open-bar-and-finger-food largesse of the Brokeback Mountain premiere in Westwood. (Yes, the untold thousands of dollars in secret studio kickbacks we've been getting for chronicling every gay cowboy-related sound-bite of the past six or so months are great, but sometimes it's nice not to feel like a discarded whore, you know?) Luckily, a Defamer operative took copious mental notes on the festivities, sharing this quite detailed report with us and somehow reducing the pain of not greedily devouring free crab cakes in the general vicinity of Lupe Ontiveros:

Tuesday night (11/29) at the clusterfuck Brokeback Mountain premiere in Westwood - Jaime Lee Curtis and Christopher Guest gave us the “we’re rich people!” eye as we ate our mini quesadillas at Baja Fresh beforehand; New SAG president and Marg Helgenberger lesser half Alan Rosenberg did his schmoozing, "I’m going to take over the world one DVD royalty at a time" thing in the lobby of the Mann National before the movie; Bryan Greenberg, he of the “his penis is so cute I want to knit a hat for it” Prime fame, talking to some friends, and perhaps needing to carry around some facial oil blotters if he knows what’s good for him;...

...extremely nice “Hey! It’s that guy”! Jon Polito and I shared a moment in the crowed lobby; Gay substitute gardener Ryan Carnes and dead Mama Solis Lupe Ontiveros, who no longer have jobs on Desperate Housewives, were mulling around the theater; pocket-sized James Madio, Perconte from Band of Brothers, sat a few seats down from us and it took everything within me not to yell “Where’s Gonorrhea?!”; Randy Quaid was not wearing a man muumuu, thankfully; Kate Mara is absolutely stunning; In the bathroom, Crazy Piper Laurie and her big purple coat apparently distracted me from noticing The Lohan and her makeup being attended to by her 5 person entourage. Whether the 5 of them were previously in a stall together, for an undetermined period of time, I do not know. However, I can tell everyone that when I finally saw her at the after party, SHE WAS EATING. FOOD! A decent amount of it, in fact! Glory be! And finally, “See, I’ve got manly facial hair! I’m not Toothy Tile, really!” Jake Gyllenhaal was holding court in a corner of the restaurant, with Linda Cardellini and Busy Phillips nearby, while Miss Maggie Gyllenhaal and her bf Peter Sarsgaard mixed more with the industry plebes in the middle of the room. I’d give you a Defamer Food Report, but I didn’t eat any of it. It looked chi chi, meh, and pretentious, much like the film itself.

[Photo: WireImage]