Sure, there are plenty of those "Are you a hipster?" quizzes out there, but isn't there an obvious problem with all of them? After all, the scene — like a baby with the brown-apple splatters — is always changing, which instantly dates such quizzes and renders them useless. Think about it: does anybody still hang out at Enid's or think Pianos is hipster ground zero? Of course not. Have you ever even heard of Pianos? Probably just in passing, when you hear old folks reminisce about the good ol' days of 2003.
So how does a young New Yorker know right this minute if they are a hipster or not? Simple: by taking our spanking-new quiz. After the jump, Blue States Lose mastermind Joey Arak guides you down the path to self-discovery.
Give yourself 1 point for each question you answer yes, or for each statement you agree with. Just like Cosmo, add up your points and check your results at the end.
1) Have you ever commented on Brooklyn Vegan?
2) Without looking it up, can you fill in the blanks in this sentence:
The Dark Room is on _______ between _______ and _______, but why are you going there? That place sucks now.
3) Sure you've been to the Tribeca Grand before, but do you remember the name of the Saturday night party that, until recently, called the basement home?
4) You've seen David Cross and [enter favorite Stroke here] at a bar, but you didn't make a big deal out of it, right? After all, they're just dudes hanging out.
5) In the past six months, have you been to two Fader-sponsored parties? (anybody can luck into one).
6) The ratio of free Sparks or Red Stripe that you've consumed to the number of Sparks or Red Stripe you've actually paid for is 2:1 or greater.
7) Do you know who Gavin McInnes, Michael T and Todd P are? (Give yourself 1 point for each.)
8) Have you been in a photo, even in the background of a photo, published on The Cobrasnake or Last Night's Party?
9) Do you know the name of the doorman at Misshapes and Motherfucker?
10) Do you know any of the details about why Death From Above had to change their name to Death From Above 1979?
11) Do you know what Cornerstone is?
12) Have you ever received anything for free — anything at all — from Cornerstone?
13) Do you work for Cornerstone?
14) Can you identify the fake UK buzz band in this group: Arctic Monkeys, Tiny Riot, Test-Icicles, Art Brut?
15) Do you know the procedure for gaining entry into the Alife Rivington Club and Nom de Guerre?
16) Famed graffiti artist Neckface designed T-shirts for a Williamsburg tattoo parlor that's in the back of an art gallery on Berry and North 9th. Can you name the tattoo parlor?
17) During the summer season that somewhat recently concluded, guys: did you wear a T-shirt with a blazer? Girls: did you wear a pair of
cowboy boots that you had bought before July?
18) Did you DJ at a party/bar/club in 2005?
19) While having a conversation with someone in a bar, has the topic ever turned to how much you both hate Ultragrrrl, even though you both agreed on "how nice she is in person?"
20) Rejoice, the used clothing/record store now located in Williamsburg, was chased out of the Lower East Side because of surging rents. Do you know what LES street it used to be located on?
21) During CMJ three months ago, did you attend two separate parties DJ'd by Steve Aoki ... in the same day?
22) Do the following letters mean anything to you: LVHRD?
23) Were you invited to the Subways show at the Northsix tonight by +1?
0-4 points: You are a Normal Person. You can probably enjoy a solid hour of Top-40 radio without once considering slashing your wrists. You can talk to your mom about movies you both enjoy. You love hanging out with co-workers, especially when it's something fun like Happy Hour in Murray Hill. You don't think there's anything wrong with living in Queens. You are mentally at peace at all times.
5-9 points: You are Culturally Aware. You understand what "indie rock" is, and you can walk by the Angelika or Sunshine and recognize some of the titles playing, but you always say "Oh! I want to see that!" and never do. You think the OC mix CDs are a great way to discover new bands. You've started blowing off some get-togethers with friends for the occasional show at Webster Hall and Irving Plaza. Still, though, you're not quite sure why it's cool to like LCD Soundsystem but bad to like The Bravery. You're walking a fine line right now, and you could go either way.
10-14 points: You are a Hipster. You seek out the latest and greatest music, and you might have a blog. You go to shows at Mercury Lounge, Bowery Ballroom and Northsix several times a month, and most of your friends are hipsters, too. You have little in common with most co-workers or fellow students. You've gazed longingly at the Misshapes photo gallery and considered it — maybe you've even gone once or twice — but guest lists and Happy Ending after-parties are still a foreign concept, even though you'd love to be a part of it. You've stopped hanging out above 14th Street.
15-19 points: You are a Self-Loathing Hipster. You may not have "the look," but it's time to come out of the closet as a hipster. You've resisted this before, and you probably hate hipsters more than a little bit, but in the back of your mind you know it's true. You're already over M.I.A., the Go! Team and Maximo Park. You always know where to go. You'll go to hipster'd out venues such as Supreme Trading or the Delancey to have a good laugh, but you also can't dream of hanging out on a Friday or Saturday night at a place that doesn't play cool music. Special DJ sets and parties at Hiro and Tribeca Grand bore you, but for some reason you'll always find yourself there. It's a love-hate thing. You've written about your complaints with the scene on your blog.
20-24 points: You are an Unabashed Hipster. Odds are you can't even concentrate on this because the Bloc Party remix CD is playing through your Mac so loud. And you're proud of it! You work in music/media/art/fashion/promotion, but the day job doesn't stop you from going out 4-5 nights a week. You won't touch it unless it's an open bar. Either you're a DJ or you're in a band. Several of your shirts have no sleeves. For the most part, you've stopped eating.
25 points: You are the Hipster Messiah. Generations of hipsters have sung your praises and awaited your arrival so that you could show them precisely how it should be done. You are an immortal. Everybody in the scene has not only heard of you, but would probably recognize you even though they have never met you. Then they would softly whisper to a friend, "That's such-and-such." You aren't even invited to anything because it's just a given that you know about it and you'll be there. You work with bands and artists, but only the ones you feel like taking on. You're not a DJ, per se, but sometimes they'll ask you to play your favorite records just for shits and giggles. You own more than one headband. When Maureen Callahan needs a quote for a Post article, she calls you. You consider "Bronques" a close friend. You should kill yourself.