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If nay, when we put out a PrivacyWatch's Greatest Hits album, you can be sure the following classic account of an ongoing pub trivia night battle royale between a couple of loyal Defamer operatives and their nemesis drunken, handsy spoilsport (and star of Speed 2!) Jason Patric will not just make the cut, it will be the very first track of Side B. Seriously, hit the head, grab a snack, get comfy. You're not going to want to miss a beat:

Meeting for weekly bar trivia at O'Briens on Wilshire last night, I had the extreme displeasure of sitting next to the billowy, arrogant asshat known as Sometimes Regular, Agro Beer Pong Enthusiast, and C-List - at best - actor Jason Patric, and his merry band of idiots. Incurring his and his Poor Man's Timothy Hutton friend's wrath for no discernable reason other than the fact that they are complete assholes and Mr. Patric still believes he s living the halcyon days of banging Julia Roberts and starring in movies people actually watch, they proceeded to accuse us of cheating, called one of my friends - WHO WASN'T EVEN WEARING GLASSES - four eyes, nearly upended our entire table, and then when we called them on it, they decided to focus their clever, grade school-level insults towards another friend who was wearing glasses, all the while trying to convince us that we were incredibly stupid and had gotten our answers wrong.

Reaching my tolerance for puffy, drunk, jackhole former celebrities quickly, I finally responded to one of his asinine comments with "Wow, the level of wit in here is ASTOUNDING," to which he replied, "With a capital W? Is it wit with a capital W?" Being able to brush aside being completely flabbergasted at his nonsensical answer for the moment, I shot back "I DON T KNOW, HOW DO BLOATED EX-ACTION STARS SPELL IT?" This apparently didn't offend him, because he continued to explain to me how wit should spelled with a capital W and an accent over the I, while my teammates sat horrified, yet secretly pleased at what I had allowed to come out of my mouth. I DON'T CARE. He's lucky I didn't punch him in the face.

Despite his supposed mind games, we beat those bitches and came in 2nd place. SUCK ON THAT, Replacement Keanu Reeves.

Eventually he tired of us, and decided to subject a friend of mine on another team to her own harrowing ABC After School Special, I Was Molested By a Speed 2 Starring Assclown. Her chilling tale follows below:

So last night I m at the local pub with my friends and we re getting our weekly fix of bar trivia. One of the regulars is none other than Jason In Search Of My Career Patric, and he was on a competing team of his own. For most of the night, JP was being pretty much a massive blowhard, talking smack about my friends who were seated in a nearby booth, and being a boorish, drunken lout.

But wait it gets better. During the game, I was walking back to my booth after speaking to another team when all of a sudden some dude grabbed me from behind and starts tickling me all around my waist and stomach and yelling, You re cheating! You re cheating! I immediately go from Happy to Totally Pissed Off Mode and think, Dude, get your fucking hands off of me and, what the fuck are you talking about?! I even make eye contact with one of my friends during this unwarranted bodily contact, and his expression was nothing short of shocked. I turn around and it s none other than Jason Patric with his big paws all over me!

Me: What are you talking about? I m not cheating!

Jason: [puts his hands on my waist, AGAIN] I saw you whispering and talking to some other team!

Poor Man s Timothy Hutton, who decides to join in on getting all het up: So what were you saying?

Jason: So, what were you talking about?

Me: I don t have to tell you anything! It s none of your business.

Jason: I ll get [the proprietor], and you ll have to tell him, or else you ll be disqualified.

Me: Whatever, dude. I don t have to tell him anything, either.

Jason: Okay, Miss [adds air finger quotes!] Serious In a Bar! Miss I Don t Have a Sense of Humor! Have you ever been to a bar before?!

Me: What the hell are you talking about??!

In summation, Jason Patric is nothing but a bloated Mr. Groping McFeely in a ratty Notre Dame sweatshirt who s all hands with women he doesn t know, and has no problem yelling at them in front of others. Did I mention his hands all over me? Hands that have been on fresh-from-breaking-off-her-wedding Julia Roberts! Hands that have been on vamped-out Jami Gertz! Ew.

I fully expect to get into an actual bar fight with him next week, should he and his short yellow bus team show up again. THAT BITCH BETTER BRING IT.