If we ever bothered to fight our way through the monthly perfume sampler also known as Vanity Fair, we would have discovered this earlier and mounted a more appropriate counteroffensive. As it is, it's far too late on a Friday for us to do much more than just point it out: VF tore a precious editorial page away from coverage of minor European royalty this month and instead devoted it to making fun of us. (At right. Click on it to enlarge.)
See, apparently we're "Mediawank.com."
And it would seem mascot Krucoff is "Adam Slushpilitz."
And the hi-larious item is a theoretically satiric exchange of "letters" among Graydon Carter, contributing editor Edwin Coaster, Slushpilitz, and VF's old friend Josh Freelantzovitz. (And may we add: The mild anti-Semitism of these manufactured zhlubby characters always having Jewish last names is really a nice touch.)
Transcriptions of the letters are after the jump. Prepare yourself for comedic gold.
My part-time assistant Kirsten came over this morning in tears, telling me that some of my letters to you, and some of her letters to you on my behalf, were reprinted on some website called Mediawank.com. They called me a "fat check collector" and her my "latest blow-up doll bubblehead." And you a "Saville Row-upholstered Canadian twit." Kirsten was deathly fearful that I'd suspect her of leaking the letters. I took her into my arms and told her not to worry, and managed to keep her in my grasp for a good 240 seconds, really getting a nice feel for the contours of her back. Anyhoo, I think I know did the leaking: That beady little freelance fact-checker Adam Slushpilitz, who's had it in for me ever since I told him off for screwing up the Sandy Duncan-Peter Falk-Sammy Davis time line in my piece about Hollywood glass eyes. Every time I get him as a checker, he puts me through hell. I think it's time you grilled that little bastard under the interrogation lamp.
Nov. 10, 2005
Dear Mr. Carter:
Fine, you can let your goons escort me from the C.N.P. building with all of my belongings. But I shall not repent. I shall go public with the whole thing at Mediaweek! Adam Slushpilitz will become the blogosphere's cause celebre, and you will be exposed for the Saville-Row upholstered Canadian twit you are.
BROOKLINE BOYS ASSOCIATES
November 11, 2005
Perhaps you remember me. I am Josh Freelantzovitz, a former writer with whom you corresponded at length in the late 1990s. Recently, I set up a management company with my brother, Joel, to handle the business affairs of your friend Ed Coaster and his fianc e, Amy Sacco. But in light of Ed's and your unconscionable treatment of my friend and colleague Adam Slushpilitz, I have decided to sunder this potentially lucrative business relationship. Ed Coaster is dead to me.
Not since you failed to retain Joel Stein as Calendar Boy has on of my dear friends been so shabbily treated by you. How dare you! I have some powerful friends in the blogosphere, all of whom are prepared to say belittling things about your hair on a daily basis until you make amends with Adam. Watch your back, my friend. Watch your back.
Take care now,
When you're done laughing — boy, that was quick — let us quickly highlight the subtle addition of Joel Stein to the cabal affronting Messrs. Carter and Coaster. That's good work — several-dollars-a-word work, clearly.