Breaking! Pitt-Jolie Offspring To Be Stunning!

Seeking professional confirmation about an issue seemingly so obvious as to defy all questioning, namely that the baby produced by ab-rolling Ken doll Brad Pitt and exotic freak of beauty Angelina Jolie has a pretty good shot at being pleasant to look at, the AP asked some doctors for their board-certified opinions:

Dr. Lawrence Reed, a New York City-based plastic surgeon, said the child's good genes will in all likelihood make his services unnecessary.


"You have a very beautiful mother with great bone structure," said Reed. "You have a very handsome father with excellent bone structure and facial features. The genetic prediction would make this child have a greater chance by far of being what everyone would consider an attractive baby, an attractive person."

Reed said he predicts Brangelina's baby will be "much taller" than Pitt, who stands at 6 feet, and the 5 feet, 7 inches Jolie.

"The eyes will be incredible," he said. "I can't see this ever not working out."

While the town's plastic surgeons are probably despondent that their crude techniques will be of no use to the preternaturally beautiful offspring, Jolie's obstetrician is already salivating about the journal article she plans to publish immediately after the birth. If the doctor's description of the deafening orchestra of celestial horns horns sounding from deep within the actress's birth canal with each contraction wouldn't make for fascinating enough reading on its own, her story of the nurse whose retinas fused because she failed to heed instructions to view the baby's radiance through a protective pane of smoked glass should get the job done.