Colin Farrell Sex Tape: The Script

Scary celebrity lawyer Martin Singer continues to churn out the cease and desist letters, yet they seem to be doing little to impede the electronic dissemination of Colin Farrell's Pandora's Box of digitally captured pleasures. Stills, g-rated edits, parodies, not to mention the actual, untouched video, abound. But it was only when we read Shrimpjaw's transcript, free from the tyrannical image of Colin's curved croquet mallet, that we could fully appreciate just how special this coming together of our two hero-lovers actually was. An excerpt:

Nicole: (Giving him the camera) Here, you hold onto that. (She goes to television).


Colin: (Pointing camera at own penis) I am putting this...(camera pans to Nicole's crotch)...right in there. (To Nicole) Come here, come here, pretty.

N: Pretty!

C: God, you're...as I said the other night, man, if a fucking camera could blush it would be fucking red because you are so fucking pretty.

N: Really pretty! (unintelligible) Ok, now I'm putting on a video station. Ok.

C: What are you watching, man? Judge fucking...?


N: No! I'm trying to change the channel.

C: Puttin' on some porn for us?

N: (chipper) You want some porn?

C: (yelling) I FUCKING LIVE ON PORN! What are you talking about? You're so sexy, you are so fucking sexy. Where's the zoom on this fucking piece of shit? You're fucking gorgeous (laughs). Baby, you're so fucking beautiful, man.

N: Yes, my love.

C: Aw, the battery's dead...so is my fucking cock.

We must commend Farrell, who was clearly born with an Irishman's lyrical ear, on his inspired and colorful dialogue. In just a few sentences, he manages to romantically anthropomorphize an inanimate object and draw an impressively clever metaphor between his technological and biological "equipment." Clearly, his real talents until now have been wasted; we can only hope his future projects will take advantage of his astonishing writerly skills.