On Tuesday, America's neighbor that they have to play with even though she always smells like cigarette smoke and one time she set a bug on fire so they don't have to let her in their room but they do have to play with her out back for a few minutes because the moms are talking, Lindsay Lohan, posted a pair of tweets informing the world that her laptop had been stolen from the Shanghai airport and offering a reward for anyone who retrieved and returned it.
It was great to be in China and I want to thank everyone for their hospitality, however someone has stolen my computer at the airport..
...offering a reward for anyone who can retrieve and rtn it, bummer to go home w/o it. xo L
Though apparently fired off in the throes of a frantic panic, the tweets were pretty chill ("bummer"), which is odd, as that's not something Lindsay Lohan has ever given the impression she is. They were also deleted hours later, though no "Recovered the laptop. Love to China. Love to all. xo L" resolution was posted in their place.
Now TMZ reports that this sudden loss is an even bigger bummer than previously expected, as Lohan has begun claiming the computer, like all other computers, smartphones, and many human memory banks, was full of naked images of her [link NSFW]. She is also reportedly disquieted by the possibility of "private correspondence" from Lady Gaga and Woody Allen being leaked.
When pressed by TMZ to assign a numerical value to the reward, a member of camp Lohan reportedly responded "Whatever it takes." An infinite amount of dollars. Untold civilian deaths.
So that's where we are on this cold, sunny Wednesday. Lindsay Lohan's computer, which she uses to write private emails to close personal friends, including but not limited to Lady Gaga and Woody Allen, has been mysteriously allegedly disappeared from a Chinese airport. The beautiful electric rectangle where Lindsay Lohan stores photographs of her frank nakedness has gone missing. Likewise all the sealed files about her anonymous charity work, and all of the distressing short stories she was reading and writing.
And if, days or weeks or months from now, some U-N-A-U-T-H-O-R-I-Z-E-D images or video emerges of Lindsay Lohan performing natural (or otherwise) acts in flagrante delicto at around the same time as Lindsay Lohan's bank statement acquires a zero or two before the decimal point, that will be an odd coincidence for Lindsay Morgan Lohan (née Lindsay Dee Lohan).
But then, so very many things about Lindsay's life are odd.
[Image via Getty]