In recent weeks, introverts have been receiving a lot of attention on the internet, which they hate. Just kidding—they love attention! Talking about, reading about, and Facebook-sharing about introverts are an introvert’s favorite things to do.
That's why articles like 31 Unmistakable Signs That You’re An Introvert, 23 Signs You're Secretly An Introvert, 27 Problems Only Introverts Will Understand, 16 Outrageously Successful Introverts, 15 Things Your Introvert Friends Want You To Know, Why Introverts Can Make Excellent Executives, An Introvert's Guide To Surviving (And Thriving) In The Workplace, and 6 Things You Thought Wrong About Introverts (all published within the last 30 days) generate thousands upon thousands of comments from individuals rushing to explain to the world how introverted they are. “SO MUCH LOVE FOR THIS ARTICLE,” screamed an introvert in the comments of one Buzzfeed post, in CAPS.
Why did the entire population suddenly delude itself into thinking that “introverted” is a noble thing to be?
You know who wasn’t an introvert? Jesus Christ. Martin Luther King, Jr. Dick Van Dyke. Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter.
Extroverts give life structure. They provide spectacle. They build the Parthenon and then, 2,000 years later, lead dynamic and engaging tours of the Parthenon. They decide things. They complain about things. They charm people. They make sure events run smoothly. Some of them are really stupid. Some of them are really smart.
Extroverts have as much to offer the world as introverts. So why doesn’t anyone root for them?
Because rooting for yourself is unseemly, unless you're an introvert. Fuck that.
Here are 15 Unmistakable, Outrageously Secret Signs You Are an Extrovert.
- You do not justify your social impediments as charming quirks indicative of a secretly brilliant personality.
- You interact with other humans in orthodox ways and sometimes it’s fun and sometimes it’s not and mostly it’s whatever.
- You seem OK; those around you do not constantly feel the need to ask, “Are you OK?”
- People like you.
- You get it done.
- You communicate emotions, fears, and desires to relevant parties in a clear way.
- You don’t ruin camping trips, birthday parties, Christmas parties, office parties, bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, murder mystery parties, anniversary parties, bonfires, sleepovers, vacations, group projects, brunches, lunches, bridal showers, baby showers, concerts, and road trips simply by being yourself.
- Sometimes you do things alone without tweeting “OHHHH MY GODDDD I LOVE TO DO THINGS ALOOOOONE!!!!!!!!! #INTROVERT”
- When you go to a party, you do not silently slide up against a wall and wait for someone to inquire about the mystery guest.
- You never understood why the premise of MTV’s MADE was that random girls who had never previously expended any effort to participate in school activities or interact with people outside their cloistered friend group are somehow purer of heart and more deserving of being voted homecoming queen than girls who are well-liked and popular.
- More broadly, you have known the carefree joy of rooting for the favorite.
- When you want to stay in, you just do it without making a big, aggrieved production about how it is absolutely essential for you to stay in sometimes—you need to do it, you just have to recharge—because you have extreme intermittent photosensitivity...OF THE SOUL.
- You speak at a volume perceivable by humans.
- You don’t obsess over the possibility that occasionally liking to perform activities solo (reading, going for walks, etc.) makes you extremely unique.
- You read an online article about introverts in the last month and thought, “Haha that is so me!” (That's not you. You just love being part of a group.)
In order to have underdogs, you need to have regular dogs. Extroverts: get out there and run.
[Art by Jim Cooke]