Hollywood PrivacyWatch Special Edition: Sympathy For The Fiance Part II: Small Change


An operative contributes this report for our continuing series tracking the caffeine intake of improbably pregnant Tom Cruise fiancée-for-a-billion-years Katie Holmes, who showed up last night for a fix of high-end jitter-juice close to the Paramount lot, where her contractual life-partner is shooting Mission: Impossible 3. Says the spy:

Last night, Katie Holmes and her Scientology-appointed BFF swung by Starbucks at Gower and Sunset to pick up an iced soy latte and double tall cappuccino, respectively. Katie was looking rather bulbous in an unfortunate silk tank top while her OT blessed companion swathed herself in an upscale version of the standard unflattering blue Scientologist garb. They held up the line with pastry-related indecision (doesn't Dianetics have the cure for that?) and then paid in small change. Small fucking change. What's the point of converting religions and marrying a turkey baster if you can't buy your pregnancy-tainting caffeine with an AmEx black?

At first, we were anxious about the effect the caffeine might have on Holmes' pregnancy, but research about its harmfulness to an expecting mother seems to be inconclusive. (Besides, she gets a pass on this issue until someone conducts a comprehensive study of the effects of caffeine on a stomach pad* or the in-utero handiwork of the Celebrity Centre's gifted geneticists.) But this anxiousness soon gave way to the same surprising feelings of concern we felt after the last time she was spotted in a coffee shop. In the previous incident, Holmes seemed depressed and lost while momentarily free of the scrutiny of her Scientology-appointed handler; last night she found herself crippled with indecision from the stifling pressure to choose the most self-actualizing baked good, knowing that an incorrect scone selection would likely result in a five-hour auditing session to determine in which past life she murdered a family of migrant workers because she coveted the father's overalls. Sadder still is the point-of-purchase tragedy of Holmes being forced to accept the generosity of her companion, knowing that the selfless minder was spending the lion's share of the wages advanced her from her 2258 paycheck just so that the two could enjoy a little girl time over some cafe drinks. Soon, we imagine, Holmes will be unable to enter a Starbucks or Coffee Bean without instantly collapsing under the psychodramatic weight she'll subconsciously associate with any high-end coffee vendor.

[Notwithstanding what we think we see in the above photo we found at Goldenfiddle.]