Stuff Keeps Happening To Paris Hilton

"Sultan of Sleaze" David Hans Schmidt, the go-to guy for shadily obtained naked celebrity photographs, is expanding into the memorabilia business. He's obtained—completely legally, we're sure—a storage locker full of Paris Hilton's belongings, which he'll be happy to sell to the first person who coughs up $20 million. Reports the LAT:

The Phoenix-based Schmidt said the items include 18 diaries whose pages recount sexual dalliances, celebrity encounters and other adventures; photographs of Hilton in a number of locales, such as St. Tropez and "wild parties" on yachts and in private homes; computers; clothing; videos; and furniture. Schmidt also said there were "sex toys" found in the locker.



A publicist for the heiress who is famous for being famous confirmed that personal items that belong to Hilton have been "illegally seized" from the storage facility, but he did not confirm Schmidt's description of the items.

The publicist, Elliot Mintz, said the items were left in the storage facility while Hilton, 24, was moving from one Hollywood Hills home, where she had resided with her sister, Nicky, to another nearby home in 2004. But due to what the publicist called a "bureaucratic foul-up," the items were improperly sold off to an unidentified buyer.

The publicist said Hilton is "incredibly upset and angry" and feels "victimized." He added that Hilton's lawyers are threatening legal action against anyone in possession of the items.

Even if "bureaucratic foul-up" isn't actually flack-code for "No, you idiot, when I told you that we should sell all of the shit in my storage locker to a sleazy middleman who will immediately stir up trouble in the press, I didn't actually mean for you to do it! Duh?" and allowing for the fact that "lost" diaries are the new "stolen" sex tapes, is anyone going to pay $20 million for the privilege of being the first to reprint the journal chapters describing what Joe Francis' penis looks like? You could trade a string of Mardi Gras beads for that information in any sorority house that's ever taken a Spring Break trip. The good news is that since Hilton's sex life has been a matter of public record ever since the moment that her sex tape "accidentally" wound up in every video store in America, her victimization in connection with this story about some boring shit from a U-Store-It cube should be pretty brief. Unless, of course, those diaries have some hott info about what Stavros is like in bed, because we totally wanna read that!