Short Ends: Dave Chappelle Will Not Wear Your Dress, Sir

· Chappelle on Oprah in a nutshell: I'm not wearing a dress for anybody. (For anyone who saw it, this synopsis works on various levels. If you missed it, you're probably terribly confused. Also, he might finish his show if they'll give half the DVD money to charity.)

· Why is this Paris Hilton storage locker nonsense such a big deal? She can always go buy 18 more diaries at any number of quality booksellers.

· There is no news days slow enough for this to make the cut, even if your angle is "incredibly hot chick moves on to second schlumpy comedian conquest": Comic Jay Mohr, Actress Nikki Cox Engaged.

· Is there any amount of slander or emotional distress that Rue McClanahan could inflict on someone that would be worth $60 million? It's not like we're dealing with razor-tongued fellow Golden Girl Bea Arthur here. [fourth item]