Bruce Willis To James Frey: It's You And Me Against The World, Buddy

It will be Bruce Willis who finds himself in a million little pieces, probably in an unmarked garbage bag in the alley behind Harpo Studios, after word gets out of his recent pro-James Frey rant to a reporter from iFMagazine:

"Look at what happened to James Frey in the last two weeks," says Willis. "That's a great book and so is the follow up book. And just because his publisher chose to say that these were memoirs, it took it out of being a work of fiction, a great work of fiction and very well written to this guy having to go be sucker punched on OPRAH by one of the most powerful women in television just to grind her own axe about it. 'Hey, Oprah. You had President Clinton on your show and if this prick didn't lie about a couple of things I'm going to set myself on fire right now.' James Frey is a writer, okay? He can write whatever he wants. It's fiction, and it's just hard, it's just shameful how he was treated in some of these things.

It was difficult to catch every word Willis was saying at this point in the tirade, as several black helicopters identified only by huge 'O's on their sides had begun circling above, throwing up a vortex of dirt and paper around the self-righteous actor. As for why Willis seemed so convinced that Frey presented this material as fiction, and not, as he actually did, as the story of his life, there can only be one possible explanation: there's an Oscar in the cards playing the golden-hearted rehab counsellor to the kid with the perforated cheek.