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We've known all along that the Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue (Now With More Tom Ford!) was sort of creeping us out. But other than for really obvious reasons — naked-women/clothed-man; tit-biting; No With More Tom Ford! — we didn't bother to figure out why. Fortunately, though, Salon's Rebecca Traister did. She performed some serious analysis of the issue, and now, thanks to her research, we can examine the true creepiness of Tom Ford's Hollywood:

Number of men pictured: 19
Average age of the men: 34

Number of women pictured: 17
Average age of the women: 31

Number of women over 30 pictured: 5
Number of women over 30 pictured for reasons other than being "The Breast Friends": 3

Number of female ass cracks pictured: 3
Number of naked, headless women pictured: 1
Number of manicured female feet pictured: 2
Number of disembodied female legs pictured, upside down: 1 pair
Number of giant, Dada-ist breasts pictured, on a golf course: 1
Number of women pictured propped in or on an automobiles: 2
Number of women photographed naked but posed to obscure genitalia: 5

Number of men pictured semi-shirtless: 2
Number of men pictured entirely shirtless: 1
Number of black men pictured naked and prostrate on a bearskin rug: 1

Number of subjects pictured in Tom Ford's tribute to "new" Hollywood that have been pictured in previous VF Hollywood issues: 13
Number of non-acting screenwriters or directors pictured: 0
Number of Hollywood plastic surgeons pictured: 1

Number of times Tom Ford is pictured: 4
Number of articles/coverlines/captions about Tom Ford: 5
Age of Mamie Van Doren, whose breast Tom Ford is pictured biting: 75

Number of hours Rebecca Traister spent on a transcontinental flight with nothing to read but Vanity Fair: 5

Topless Bodies Found In Brainless Magazine [Salon]