Donald Vs. Martha: Clash of the Titans

Like Godzilla taking sucker swats at Mothra high above the New York skyline as innocent pedestrians run screaming for their lives, Manhattan's two towering media titans, Donald Trump and Martha Stewart, are embroiled in a gigantic public battle over the blame for the failure of her version of The Apprentice. Martha arguably threw down the gardening gloves first, with comments in the current Newsweek stating that she thought Donald was supposed to be fired at the start of her season: "Having two Apprentices was as unfair to him as it was unfair to me. But Donald really wanted to stay on." But it was Trump's open letter response an unleashed torrent of seething resentment that even makes reference to her crimes that elevated it from a good-natured, competitive spat between friends and into the realm of disturbing personal attack. People reprints it in its entirety, but here are some highlights:

Dear Martha:

It's about time you started taking responsibility for your failed version of The Apprentice. Your performance was terrible in that the show lacked mood, temperament and just about everything else a show needs for success. I knew it would fail as soon as I first saw it and your low ratings bore me out.

Between your daughter, with her one word statements, your letter writing and, most importantly, your totally unconvincing demeanor, it never had a chance much as your daytime show is not exactly setting records. [...]


Essentially, you made this firing up just as you made up your sell order of ImClone. The only difference is that was more obvious. Putting your show on the air was a mistake for everybody especially NBC.

In any event, my great loyalty to you has gone totally unappreciated.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump

As Mark Burnett smacks his lips and tries to figure out a way to reconcile his two stars in a format that can be edited down to 12 episodes, each featuring its own set of branded "challenges," we can only hope America's two most beloved meanies find a way of mending fences on their own terms, minus the petty involvement of a bundt cake saturated with fatal amounts of rat poison or an "accidental" tumbling into an open elevator shaft.