Defamer Party Report: Vanity Affair

A reader submitted this apparently much-forwarded report (don't worry, we removed all the e-mail headers to protect the gossipy) on the Vanity Fair Oscar post-party by a staffer who faithfully listed all the celebrities she served. We make no claims as to the authenticity of said e-mail, but given that it's basically just a roll-call of famous names who brushed by the chatty server and not a scandalous report of Hilary Swank, Sandra Bullock, and Al Roker doing crystal meth behind an ice sculpture and then killing a busboy just to watch him die, why sweat it? Enjoy the orgy roster:

OK here it is people - the email that you all have been waiting so patiently for - and some, not so patiently (you know who you are!!) This is the recap of my Night with the Stars - Hollywood's most prestigious party - The Vanity Fair Post-Oscar Party - the night that I get to put on my best dress, drink champagne, and rub elbows with celebrities - actually it was more like a sailor uniform that I had to wear and I pretty much was bumping into the elbows of celebrities while I was trying to "serve" them champagne... But on with it..

Jennifer Aniston was one of the first to arrive, sans Vince Vaughn - I think she's just as beautiful off screen as she is on. Her short little gay friend made me offer her a tuna tartar because he said she was "stah-ving" but she refused. Looking back at her 2 minutes later, I see her wolfing down 2 slices of pizza... Go figure...

Dolly Parton strutted in solo with a big smile on her face winking at passersby - she must not have been paying too much attention to her surroundings because she walked directly into the kitchen where security had to stop her and show her the way to the party

Someone decided to smoke pot in the main area of the party - we determined that it was probably Mick Jagger and his rock-star crew but it turned out to be some 80-year-old lady!

Reese Witherspoon is so damn cute - I actually caught her sticking her tongue out at her husband - another cutie, Ryan Philippe, who returned the gesture

I was involved in about a 5 minute debate with Scott Cann about whether the brownies that I was serving were "special" or not

Sienna Miller - miss MOD herself - came up to me while I was carrying my mini burgers and asked me with a serious but polite British tone if the burgers were from "McDaw-noods"

Larry King, Barbara Walters, Joan Collins and John Mellencamp - not aging very well

Michelle Williams, of Brokeback Mountain fame, brought to the party not only her hubby Heath Ledger (gorgeous!) but another fellow Dawson's Creek actress- the girl that played Audrey (Joie's roommate in college) - who looked completely uncomfortable and out of place - After all, does anyone even know that girl's real name?

We caught John Stewart leaving out the back entrance with 3 girls that looked maybe 17.

Terry Hatcher and an unidentified graying man were involved in an intense conversation in the corner of the party for most of the night.

Keith Urban - too many highlights - may need to "tone" it down some (HAHA)

He and his girlfriend, fianc , record sales booster, or whatever she may be, Nicole Kidman, were spotted dashing out the back entrance holding hands around 11:30pm, with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston using the same getaway scheme around midnight

Serena & Venus Williams - tall, not very attractive and kept pushing around their hair a lot

Much shorter than I expected - DJ AM
Much prettier than I expected - Uma Thurman
Much cuter than I expected - Guy Richie
Much tanner than I expected - George Hamilton
Much scarier than I expected - Tim Burton & Helena Bonham Carter
Much more booty than I expected - Madonna

The Director of "March of the Penguins" was carrying around a stuffed version of a penguin the whole night - I almost asked him if they wanted some tuna tartar but figured I might laugh

I got yelled at by Pam Morton, owner of the restaurant, for standing around too much and not approaching people

I got yelled at by some photographer for 'stargazing'

I got yelled at by one of the managers for eating an In-and-Out Burger

Sandra Bullock, Jesse James and Keanu Reeves - together ALL night

Suzanne Somers looks like an old, botoxed version of Nicole Richie

Eve, Mary J Blige and Russell Simmons wife were all BFF

I overheard someone tell Vince Vaughn that his trailer was magnificent, "a work of art" - I wonder if they were talking about Anchorman, Dodgeball or Zoolander...

I envisioned shoving an entire pizza down the throat of Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie - My god - I almost could see through them!

I have good news for you ladies - Yes, Jake Gillenhall came alone

I have some unsurprising news for you ladies, Yes, Al Roker came alone

Mickey Rourke was walking around completely wasted - at one point I think he was talking to himself

Hilary Swank looked incredible - she looked really young too

Ali G was there with his fianc - the sister from 'Wedding Crashers' - someone had to tell me who he was - I didn't recognize him out of character

Other couples sighted: Heidi Klum & Seal, Adam Brody & Rachel Bilson, Jewel & her husband, some guy in a cowboy hat, Selma Blair & Ahmet Zappa, Jennifer Lopez & Mark Anthony, Christine Taylor & Ben Stiller, Jessica Alba & Cash Warren

Madonna, looked a little bored throughout the night - kept looking around to see what else was going on - a lot shorter than I expected too

Russell Simmons and his wife were witnessed in an all-out screaming match with one another

John Travolta's hair was absolutely horrendous - I seriously think it might have been painted on

DJ AM and Nicole Richie were holding hands - guess that's back on

[Names redacted] became BFF with the NYPD Officers who flew out to work the party - we chatted it up with them about important law enforcement issues such as the accuracy of Sex and the City, celebrity relationships and then made them steal us 3 Double Doubles and 3 Diet Cokes from the In-and-Out Truck - - now, that's what I call a hero

Other memorable celebs: Megan Mulally, Cuba Gooding Jr, John Voight, Donatella Versace, Adrien Brody, Willem DaFoe, Ludacris, Stephen Dorff, Samuel Jackson, Naomi Watts, Chris Tucker, Dave Chapelle, Matt Dillon, Jamie Foxx, Kate Bosworth, Jennifer Esposito, Mischa Barton, Helena Christiansen, James Franco, Josh Groban, Quentin Tarantino, George Lucas, Bill Mahr, Molly Sims, and Larry David

That's all I can think of for now - This year was a bit different from previous years for 2 reasons - number 1, they actually cut the guest list by 500 people, so it was a lot more calm and relaxed, and number 2, I actually consumed much more alcohol at the party than I have in any of the previous years, so if my observations seem a bit dull, it is probably because from about 11:30pm - 1am, the night became a little blurry - but I hope you enjoyed the email and I look forward to sharing My Fifth Installment with you all next year...