Monday Morning Box Office: On Natalie Portman's Bald Head

Like a field of sunflowers blooming just for you on this Monday morning, the weekend's box office numbers:

1. V For Vendetta—$26.1 million
The film raises some timely and controversial points about terrorism and totalitarianism, but we know what you sickies really care about: Natalie Portman's bald head. We'd certainly seen enough promotional photos of her bare scalp to know that a shaving scene was coming, but nothing could have prepared us for the much-anticipated—and thoroughly harrowing—buzz cut. The faint of heart should be forewarned: If the thought of Portman's vibrant locks being shorn off by her Nazi-esque tormentors sounds horrific, you may lose consciousness when she demonstrates the incredible strength of her convictions by defiantly demanding an additional Brazilian wax.

2. Failure to Launch—$15.8 million


Monday Morning Box Office: On Natalie Portman's Bald Head


Matthew McConaughey's done it all: been box office champ, People's Sexiest Man Alive, and even survived co-starring with Jennifer Lopez. But for all his accomplishments, it still might take the actor another three or four romantic comedies before he can finally achieve an unheard of 45-degree lean.

3. The Shaggy Dog—$13.6 million
[Disparaging comment about Tim Allen's career choices deleted for space.]

4. She's the Man—$11 million
We love Amanda Bynes, we really do (though not as much as our pal Uncle Grambo), but she makes the most unconvincing hot chick masquerading as a suspiciously feminine high school boy since Joyce Hyser in Just One of the Guys.

5. The Hills Have Eyes—$8.1 million
Embarrassing personal disclosure: For reasons we're not going to get into, we actually saw this movie over the weekend. Not that we want subtlety in our post-nuke-testing-radiation-deformed—freaks slasher fare, but the scene in which a wheelchair-bound character with a 40-lb tumor on the back of his head slowly explains the reason (yes, really) why his people are senselessly slaughtering that nice tourist family was a little much.