• Nello Balan clarifies his cracked-out ad in Saturday's Post — obviously, it was a retort to a Page Six item in which he was referred to as a roughneck. He thinks it was a humorous response, we think it was a cry for help. Whatever the case, we hope he keeps on buying up the ad space. [Page Six]
• Thanks to his time on Howard Stern yesterday, we know that Wilmer Valderrama gets more tail than Colin Farrell at a bachelorette party. Even worse, he claims to have snatched away poor Mandy Moore's virginity. [Cityrag]
• Star Jones' co-hosts on The View serve her a bitchslap when she calls in to report on her post-breast lift condition — but, predictably, Elizabeth Hasselbeck pussies out. [Lowdown]
• Page Six suggests that Girls Gone Wild masterbeast Joe Francis is looking to buy Playboy. Fat chance, but that's certainly a nice item to repay Francis for hosting Richard Johnson's bachelor party. [Page Six]
• Former New Kid on the Block Jordan Knight can't take the heat of VH1's Surreal Life and drops out. Write your own "Hangin' Tough" joke. [Gatecrasher]
• Pam Anderson seeks an audience with the PM of Canada to discuss the clubbing of baby seals. Somehow, we don't see him refusing some face-time. [Scoop]

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