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Firstly, we apologize in advance for the smoothing of the part of your brain responsible for seeking suitable reproductive partners that will occur shortly after viewing the above image, but when a reader spends that much time making Photoshop magic, we feel an obligation to pass it along. Meanwhile, ET Online has a preview of this weekend's hard-hitting Tom Cruise profile in Parade magazine, in which Cruise reveals details of his relationship with his deceased father and discusses the problems of his peripatetic childhood:

"I had no really close friend," he reveals in the April 9th edition of Parade magazine. "I was always the new kid with the wrong shoes, the wrong accent. I didn't have the friend to share things with and confide in."

Luckily, Scientology provided solutions to both problems dogging his formative years, as Cruise can now surround himself in an environment in which everyone is wearing the same shoes (and identical sailor suits) and where he can always pull up an e-meter and find someone willing to ask him a battery of hundreds of questions about what's been troubling him over his past dozen lives.