Katie Holmes: Anatomy Of A Fake Pregnancy

Having correctly completed all the necessary paperwork to apply for a chaperoned furlough from Tom Cruise's compound, Scientology war bride Katie Holmes was granted permission for a day of shopping in Beverly Hills yesterday. Coming out of Barney's New York (above update: image removed by request of owner), America's most suspicious expectant mother displayed all the classic indicators of an imminent fake delivery—skinny limbs, a face free of late third-trimester puffiness, and, most tellingly, a mid-sized beach ball inflated to the maximum pressure allowable by any respectable member of the National Board of Ersatz Obstetrics and Gynecology. Based on the above photo, it could be any minute now before a drone back at the compound silently pushes forth new life into the world, then watches as the baby is whisked away to its proud, commissioning parents before she can even sigh, "She has Genetic Material Injector #44477A's eyes." She'll never be prouder than when Cruise and Holmes introduce the child to a preselcted, nonsuppressive member of the celebrity press.

[Photo via Just Jared]