007 EmasculationWatch: Daniel Craig's Royal Flush

The British tabloid press seem intent on turning the shaming of new James Bond Daniel Craig into a national pastime, to be enjoyed alongside such others cherished local activities as eight-day cricket matches and deep-fried cod. Their carefully adhered to format dictates merely thinking up a Bond skill (driving a manual sports car, hand-to-hand combat, operating a weapon, exposure to daylight), then reporting that Craig's complete incompetence at said skill rendered him injured and/or a laughing stock, followed by a mention that an expert is being flown in for tutorial. Note how all the elements fall into place with this story from The Sun about Craig's poker-playing illiteracy:

He became a laughing stock again when producers found he did not know a Royal Flush from a Full House.

British card player John Duthie, who has made £1.5million from poker, was jetted to a Berlin hotel to coach Craig.

An insider said: "Daniel could not play cards — it was so funny. It is a critical part of the film, where Bond shows how cool a customer he is.

But it was frustratingly ridiculous how long it took to teach the cast how to play or behave at a poker table.

"Everyone at the hotel has been laughing about a Bond who can't play cards."

For Craig's sake, we'd love to say that the tabs have managed to use up every conceivable Bond-related activity in their insatiable quest to neuter the actor. Of course, that well is far from dry: Look for upcoming exposes on Craig's inability to drink a martini ("He had to get three stitches in his eye after puncturing it on the little plastic olive sword!"), and his complete bafflement as to what to do with a hot, naked woman emerging from the surf, upon which producers will scramble to jet in Britain's greatest porn star, Nigel Cockworthy, Earl of Fuckingham, to coach Craig on the finer points of on-camera lovemaking.