Online Poll Unearths Media Conspiracy To Smear Tom Cruise!

In this exclusive poll accompanying the teaser for their story on Tom Cruise, his troubled childhood, and dead-eyed war bride (actual press release title: EXCLUSIVE PARADE.COM POLL FINDS VAST MAJORITY SYMPATHIZE WITH TOM CRUISE; 84% BLAME THE MEDIA ON NEGATIVE PRESS), more than 8 out of 10 Celebrity Centre drones tasked with sabotaging online surveys agree: Cruise's year of almost universally unfavorable coverage is the fault of the media. Putting aside for a moment the somewhat tautological assertion that the media is to blame for the bad press, we see their point: Had the media-industrial complex not forced Cruise to brutalize Oprah's furniture, publicly browbeat Brooke Shields and Matt Lauer with his incredible knowledge of the history of psychiatry, and quickly marry and impregnate someone previously most famous for being Dawson's hyperverbal girlfriend at the outset of the press tours for the suspicious couple's summer blockbusters, the actor would probably have enjoyed a relatively controversy-free year.