Loren Kreiss Humors Us, Plays 10 Questions

In the two short days since he was profiled in the Times' Sunday Real Estate section, 24-year-old furniture scion Loren Kreiss has become an object of fascination around Gawker, for his wealth (he lives in a 1,500-square-foot Chelsea playpen), his living style (lots of fancy doodads and a cleaning lady to keep 'em shiny), and his sexuality (he fucks straight but certainly lives gay). Since we just can't wrap our heads around the boy, we asked Loren to play 10 questions with Gawker. Being an affable young man, he agreed:

Did you think that this article would run and you'd NOT be ridiculed?

Of course not. People tend to take things out of context and put their own spin on things. I think the Times is a phenomenal paper and think their Real Estate section was a great place to be. I was pleased with the article and appreciate them writing it very much.

Please describe "travertine console" in your own words, and explain why we need one. Sell us on it.

Like this question won't get me in trouble... Here is my stock answer: A travertine console is a natural stone piece of furniture that is most often used in an entry way, behind a sofa, as a room divider or below a mirror or art. You need one because if you have one, people will say things about you, like you "giggle like an 8 year old girl" on Gawker. In all honesty though, I think everyone needs one ā€” it is, for example, the perfect spot to throw your keys down when you walk in. I know this will sound extremely serious and design-driven, but interior design is not only about looks, it is also about convenience and it is important that you choose furniture that fits your daily routine. My console is an often-used part of mine.

Why are you worried that people might think you're just another rich kid?

Come to think of it, I guess I'm not. I'm grateful for every opportunity and privilege I have received in my life, but I can't apologize for the cards I've been dealt. People are going to think what they're going to think and I'm happy to let them...it can be interesting being a part of a family business, especially when you're 25...people want to throw all kinds of different labels on you. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that I work hard and make a difference in my family's business.

Related: Have you ever lived in a 6th-floor walk-up?

I sure haven't, maybe I should try it some time soon...I wouldn't have to spend so much time on the Ellipitical if I did.

Why do you need a maid service three times a week? What the hell are you doing in there? Are you one of those people who carries Purell in his pocket and uses tissue to grab doorknobs?

The maid commentary has gotten a bit exaggerated. Anyone who knows me would be quick to tell you that I am certainly not a neat freak... I just happen to be messy and don't like people to see it when they come over... I do keep Purell with me, however.

If you're straight, why move to Chelsea and have such perfect eyebrows? Surely you see how people would make assumptions. You're screaming "Warren Tricomi."

First off, I don't consider being called gay an insult, and of course I see how people would make assumptions. I wouldn't have moved to Chelsea and worked in the interior design business if I wasn't comfortable in my sexuality. I also wouldn't be ashamed if I were gay, the truth just happens to be that I'm straight. Sorry if that's disappointing to your readers.

Have you ever set foot in an Ikea? If so, did you buy anything? Or did you just shake your head at all of us Swede-embracing fools?

Actually, my entire place is furnished with Ikea, the pictures in the article were fake...in all seriousness, I'd be a fool to knock Ikea, they are the biggest furniture company in the world and could eat me for breakfast.

Do you ever worry that you're missing out what it means to be young in this city? When was your last existential crisis?

I am very content being young in this city and am having a great time. My last existential crisis must have been yesterday, receiving a call from my mother after she saw what your users had to say about me... She loved it and I'm pretty sure she agreed with all of them.

The Times estimates that you pay $6k/mo. in rent. What's the real bill? You say "too much," but really, how much is too much to a guy who has a maid come in thrice weekly?

Anything is too much. I wish it were free.

Have you ever thought about trading in your collection of psychoceramics for something more traditional, like baseball cards?

Not really, I do have some baseball cards in storage somewhere.

If we wanted custom-designed graphic wallpaper about a kitten stuck in a tree, how much would that cost for a 500-square-foot studio? And what sort of story would you tell?

It would cost you about a nickel... Your story would be about a pussy stuck on wood. How's that?