BREAKING: Tom and Katie's Publicist Gives Birth on Their Behalf

Mission Impossible, frighteningly accomplished: the TomKat has silently brought a new life into this world. According to a remarkably well-timed statement (placenta? What placenta?) from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, the pair are in posession of a brand-new baby girl (point goes to People for breaking it first). The press release is thin on details like, say, when exactly the child was born, but the poor thing weighed in at 7 pounds and 7 ounces and is reportedly named Suri, which means "doomed" in Hebrew and "utterly fucked" in Persian.

We are, of course, incredibly happy to hear that the couple has finally cast the appropriate orphan to play the role of their child — and our congrats to Katie Holmes, who must be thrilled to return to Barneys sans the cumbersome prosthetic.

Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise Have Their Baby! [People]
Tom and Katie Welcome Baby Suri [TMZ]