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Berkeley College — no, not the lefty haven at the other end of Interstate 80 but rather than multi-campused business college in New York and New Jersey — has landed a big fish for this year's commencement speaker: Boston Properties honcho and New York Daily News proprietor Mortimer Zuckerman. In case you can't quite make out the first paragraph of his Berkley-provided bio, above, we'll write out the first graf for you:

In a distinguished career, Mortimer B. Zuckerman has modeled the ideals of Berkeley College in many ways: as a highly successful businessman, a thoughtful and sometimes provocative journalist, a teacher, a humanitarian, and an internationally recognized citizen of the human community devoted to the enhancement and maintenance of the highest quality of life for all.

Unless, that is, you happen to work for U.S. News or edit any of his pubs. Then he's just devoted to cutting your pay, firing your ass, and, in the special case of Maer Roshan, fucking with your mind.

Berkeley College

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