Looking at the Look Book

We feel genuinely bad for this week's victim in New York's Look Book. Not because Onia Jane Balsebre looks particularly mangy, but because she moved here from Barcelona for love, and it didn't work out. Now she's still here, watching reruns of Felicity and trying her hardest to be an actress, despite her accent, desire to dress like a boy, and her lack of familiarity with Neil Simon. Yeah, we're thoroughly depressed now — time to draw the shades and call it a day.

While we mope about the hopelessness of love in the big city, Intern Alexis plucks up the insights of Keith Romer, Jenna Lamia, and Dustin Cartmill on matters of Onia's wardrobe.

Keith Romer, wag/gambler

Have you heard of Neil Simon?

Can't lie, Onia, you had me stumped. So I went on Wikipedia where I learned that his first name was really Marvin and that "his plays are known for their family-based New York settings, where world-weary characters use one-liners to hide often-fractured psyches." Alternately they could use plush newsboy hats and impossible comparisons between themselves and Penelope Cruz.

If Onia dressed like a girl, what would she wear?

Presumably that would mean that "she really liked girls," but if she really liked girls, culture would dictate that she would probably dress at least a little like a boy. So if you work it all the way through you're stuck with this: Onia has created a gender/fashion paradox where it is in fact only possible for her to dress like boys. Next question.

We think Onia looks a lot a lot like former MTV vee-jay Kennedy. What would happen if Kennedy and Onia met?

The Neil Simon thing got me so fired up that I went ahead and googled Kennedy. And now I will forever blame Onia Jane Balsebre for being the vehicle by which I learned that Kennedy is a Republican and has a GOP elephant tattooed on her thigh.

So what would happen if they met? Undoubtedly they would somehow reveal that Jo from Facts of Life, Carrie Fisher in cinnamon bun hairdo mode, and Miss Feeney my third-grade teacher were all closet Nazis and therefore also retrospectively inappropriate choices for my budding childhood sexual curiosity. Thanks for that, Onia.

What does Onia think about Rosie replacing Meredith on the View?

Spaniards, as a rule, do not like the Irish.

Why does Onia like men's underwear so much?

More personally troubling question: why do I like it so much that Onia likes men's underwear so much?


Jenna Lamia, actress

Have you heard of Neil Simon?

Of course! "Sweet Caroline" is one of my most favorite sings.

If Onia dressed like a girl, what would she wear?

If Onia dressed like a girl, the world would not, in fact, be better off. If Onia dressed like a girl, the wind would lift her yellow-wallpaper patterned vintage sundress around her knobby, sun-starved knees, revealing a stubble patch the likes of which even Mr. McConaughey has not encountered anywhere in the zipcode of Onia's acting idol and sartorial inverse, Ms. P Cruz.

We think Onia looks a lot a lot like former MTV vee-jay Kennedy. What would happen if Kennedy and Onia met?

I believe these navel-gazing twins would be drawn to themselves in each other, and a make-out session more disturbing than that of Jolie n Bro circa Oscars 2000 would ensue. The danger here of course is that their glasses could lock, a lesser known but equally perilous cousin of the "braces lock" phenomenon commonly known to spin-the-bottle enthusiasts.

What does Onia think about Rosie replacing Meredith on the View?

"Bring on the babes who like boys and dress like them! ... Wait. I mean, the babes who like girls and dress like boys. Wait. I mean, the babes who want to sleep with girls, dress like boys, but pretty much hate the world."

Why does Onia like men's underwear so much?

The only way she can get in a guy's pants is...well, literally.


Dustin Cartmill, Fashionable screenwriter

Have you heard of Neil Simon?

I've heard that name come up recently. I think he managed Nirvana. Onia mentioned he writes for acting workshops. Writing is tough to get into, but if he has Onia verbalizing his work, he's on the right path.

If Onia dressed like a girl, what would she wear?

The black leather cat suit from Batman 2. Blindfolded, with a whip, she could walk like a woman but still punish like a man.

We think Onia looks a lot a lot like former MTV vee-jay Kennedy. What would happen if Kennedy and Onia met?

They would meet mid-afternoon and pass the pigskin around. Afterwards they would drink Coors Lights and watch Rambo. After they get their buzz on they'd arm wrestle. Onia will unfortunately dislocate her shoulder due to Kennedy's intense free weight regiment. Kennedy will lay her down on the bed and tend to her injury. Lots of eye contact ensues and Kennedy notices that Onia looks like John Lennon's doppelganger. Lovemaking happens as the sun goes down.

What does Onia think about Rosie replacing Meredith on the View?

For Onia it's just the beginning. Rosie O'Donnell is an innovator that will join the cast of all syndicated talk shows by 2010. The opinion of anyone on television is ultimately trivial without the "Rosie filter." It's only after Rosie's input that any idea or opinion can truly be born.

Why does Onia like men's underwear so much?

Onia can't fit a sock into over-the-counter panties. Men's underwear leaves the necessary room for artistic expression. Her close relationship with Mickey Rourke calls for the occasional bar room brawl. Nothing intimidates the enemy like a healthy bulge.