Time once again to put you out of the profound misery that is not knowing the consensus solution to this week's Ted Casablanca blind item. But first, reload One Employee of the Month Blind Vice:
Ted sez: "Once upon a time, there was a talented young lass by the name of Morgan Mayhem. Oh, could she act! She was such a good performer that bitchy rivals simmered with green-eyed jealousy. But one day, a big bad she-wolf in Kitson duds named Coco Cocaine came along. She seduced Morgan with her overly vibrant, come-hither eyes—prettier than Wentworth Miller's, even—and then, suddenly, the big fat studio pigs were very, very sad." Read the item.
You say: Your guesses are after the jump.
You say: In a nearly unanimous landslide, you cast Lindsay Lohan as Casablanca's troubled leading lady, Morgan Mayhem. Many pointed out that Lohan's middle name is Morgan, a "coincidence" so unbelievably obvious that it shakes our faith in the entire blind item system. And one reader offered a far more detailed explanation: "No doubt it's La Lohan. In the language known as 'Tedglish,' pseudonyms are often — if not always — comprised of the same amount of syllables and stress on the same syllables. Thus, 'Morgan Mayhem' is 'Lindsay Lohan,' just as 'Vamparella Vein Pop" is Ted's pseudonym for 'Angelina Jolie.' And 'Jump Jive and High Five" is Tedglish for 'Saturday Night Live.' Not a perfect match, but close enough." Protestations of our resident PhD in Tedglish Studies aside, we cannot make ourselves believe that the undisputed master of gossip obfuscation would resort to anything as simple as the Morgan=Morgan equation.
You also say: A smattering of readers suffering from massive headwounds guessed Scarlett Johansson and Kirsten Dunst. They're clearly in the extreme minority, but we admire their attempts at independent thought.
And The Andy Dick/Dakota Fanning Memorial "You Also Say" Item Goes To: Keenan Thompson and Lauren Bacall (tie).
Thanks to everyone for playing!