Britney Spears Returns God-Scented Candles, Cuts Off Red String Bracelet

Us Weekly's blog points us to a brief, cryptic pronouncement buried deep in the "Love B: stream of consciousness" section of Britney Spears' official website. (Like a windswept tumbleweed rolling through the ghost town of her mind, it's the first such update in almost a year.) In a ten-word statement annulling everything we thought we held true about Spear's unwavering commitment to fake spirituality, the butterfingered fertility goddess has renounced her allegiance to that most sacrosanct of Judaism-sprinkled celebrity sects, Kabbalah.

I no longer study Kabbalah, my baby is my religion.

The news will undoubtedly throw Spears' maternity well-wishers into a gift shopping quandary; as we speak, a Kitson employee is politely explaining their no-return policy on all sale-priced, 'World's Cutest Kabbaby' onesies. Still, this revelation regarding her newly adopted faith goes a long way towards explaining many of Spears' recent, infant-related "mishaps," which could be reinterpreted in a new light as Abraham-like tests of faith ("Goest with thine SUV, fleeing thine paparazzi tormentors, with thine first born on thy lap...") from her higher power.