Looking at the Look Book

Would you let this woman near your dog? Didn't think so, but apparently a lot of folks do, as this week's fashion victim for New York mag's Look Book is a professional dog-walker named Suzanne. Just one name, mind you; she's more comfortable that way. Suzanne considers herself both extremely feminine and extremely masculine, and loves mixing her tribal punk look with some hints of Sideshow Bob. She's also in an unnamed all-female hardcore-slash-punk band — but you already knew that, didn't you?

After the jump, Intern Alexis rounds up Sarah Sockit, James Gillespie, and Lauren Epstein for some crisis intervention.

Sarah Sockit, editor of TEASE

What does that adorable, camera loving pug think of Suzanne?

Not much. Standing away from the pack, clearly feeling ostracized and unloved, looking straight into the camera like a hostage on videotape, this pug is in need of, well... a hug. It's one thing to "vibe" with dogs but it becomes a problem if you're unwilling to pet them for fear of complicating a delicate balance of hand lotions, moistures, and goth face-creams. Pet the pug, for chrissake! PET THE PUG!

What's Suzanne's last name?

My junior high music teacher, Ms. Peach, claimed to be a classical violinist but we knew she really only played the folk mandolin. If she lived in New York instead of California, made jewelry instead of ceramics, and wore goth black extensions instead of macrame belts, she would have been a dog-walking punk-drummer named Suzanne. Suzanne Peach.

Suggest a name for Suzanne's all-female hardcore-slash punk band.

Pooper Skooper.

How can we brighten Suzanne up for spring?

Paisley prints and a buzz cut.


James Gillespie, translator

What does that adorable, camera loving pug think of Suzanne?

At first sight, Puggles was shocked. He knew that she was on the bitter side after being defeated by Aslan, but such a drastic change of color scheme by the Queen of Narnia was so out of character. But let's face it... After being passed from villain to villain, it's hard to shock Puggles. When I caught up with Puggles, he set down his glass of Port to gave me this statement:

"Sure, she's not as refined as Cruella... but a Queen?! Honey, snap a picture of us and hello guest lists!"

What's Suzanne's last name?

The Bush daughters are in the spotlight quite often for their "Girls of the Christian Coalition Gone Wild" video series, but let's not forget that Democrats are no less affected by the combination of mushrooms, Miller Light and cocaine than any of their Republican friends in the White House. Remember Monica Lewinski? While the public was busy wondering how Mrs. Clinton could possibly stay so strong during a marriage crisis that left a countless number of women across the world emotionally destroyed and lost, Hillary was at a Parliament concert canoodling with mind-altering substances and another Clinton... George. Nine months later, Suzanne was born. The obvious
sister of Chelsea and daughter of George, Suzanne's last name is Clinton.

Suggest a name for Suzanne's all-female hardcore-slash punk band.

"Lamb of God." Didn't she mention to the journalist that it was a Christian act? Yes, banished from the United States at the age of three and raised in the Amazon, Suzanne was later found and saved by Catholic missionaries just outside of Colombia. Front woman Twila Paris later drifted to form a solo career.

How can we brighten Suzanne up for spring?

That all depends on the pets of her latest clients. Gossip from the office of Youth Therapists for Neglected Children at the Church of Satan has it that Suze's spring look is "canine." Her new label, Poochie, is still in a legal battle with Matthew Williamson in one of the first debates over homonym law. (Sorry, Puggles.)


Lauren Epstein, writer

What does that adorable, camera-loving pug think of Suzanne?

I never thought I'd miss Paris and Nicole — and yet again, I'm proved wrong.

What's Suzanne's last name?

Wildenstein.

Suggest a name for Suzanne's all-female hardcore-slash-punk band.

Camille Paglia Overdrive.

Suzanne's get-up is a little dreary. How can we brighten Suzanne up for spring?

Grey lipstick.