The Fifth Avenue Apple store opened its doors on Friday, sparking a feeding frenzy amongst the city's most obsessive virgins nerds. ("The same old products are available in a new space! Wheee!") This video is a definitive guide to the clusterfuck, complete with terrifying footage of pre-pubescent Apple fans and a devoted Kevin Bacon. Being crippled with ADD, we can't recommend watching the full 6 minutes — but if you fast-forward and stop at any given time, you'll get a good feel for the bloodthirsty madness.

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