You spent your three-day holiday weekend trying to relax, but you never really achieved that elusive calm, anxious that you'd have to wait another day for the box office numbers. Know peace:
1. X-Men: The Last Stand—three-day: $103.125 million (four-day: $120.125 million)
Last night, we had a very troubling dream, in which Brett Ratner, the hacky mutant director whose X-Men: The Last Stand shattered the Memorial Day weekend box office record, was officially crowned King of Hollywood.
His reign was not a benign one. In a gross abuse of his royal powers, Rush Hours 4-25 were immediately, unilaterally greenlit, as were Ratner-helmed remakes of Scarface, the first two Godfather films, and, puzzlingly, the Charlie Sheen/Emilio Estevez sanitation engineer masterpiece Men at Work. Populist directing legends Steven Spielberg and George Lucas were shackled and brought before the new King and made to feed him grapes, while more critically accepted peers Wes Anderson and Spike Jonze were publicly beaten to death with souvenir stand "Best Supporting Dad" Oscars in front of Ratner's Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard. Then came perhaps the most surprising development, Ratner's establishment of an official religion in which it would be acceptable for him to enter into a polygamous union with longtime partner/mentor Robert Evans and a rotating stable of Romanian models. We never had him pegged for a religious guy, but there you have it.
We did not remain asleep long enough to see what the second day of King Ratner's nightmare monarchy held.
2. The Da Vinci Code—$34 million
Given the unforeseen events of the weekend, it's kind of hard to get worked up about Jesus knocking up Mary Magdalene or Tom Hanks' hair anymore, isn't it?
3. Over the Hedge—$26.875 million
Taking full advantage of its position following the success of Over the Hedge, Bruce Willis' voice has demanded a $1.5 million perk package for its next project, including a private jet allowance, a three-man personal security detail, a studio-comped nanny, and an on-set masseuse.
4. Mission:Impossible III—$6.6 million
While M:i:III's disappointing $115 million domestic total in four weeks of release has been viewed by many as a sign of Tom Cruise's declining stateside stardom, its impressive $163 million foreign box reveals that Cruise's international fan base's collective English skills are not developed enough for them to be turned off by the things he says when a tape recorder or television camera is pointed at him.
5. Poseidon—$5.53 million
The expected flock of international cruising enthusiasts hasn't yet materialized, but Warner Bros. is still optimistic that Poseidon will finally find its audience. They've realized that pinning their hopes for box office salvation on such a needlessly specific segment of the moviegoing public was the wrong approach, and will now cast a wider net by praying that anyone who has ever heard of water might eventually buy a ticket.