Just dying to spend the day outdoors, frolicking in the chilly rain? Have we got the event for you, then. It's exciting, it's suspenseful, it's something you've always wanted to see! At 12:30 p.m., in Madison Square Park, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! — and, for the record, we can't believe it still exists! — will unveil its brand-new spokesman. Yay! A passer-by reports that the finalists are four soap stars you've never heard of, and that "two poor schmucks in tuxedos" are spending their morning passing out flyers promising the unveiling will go on rain or shine.
Can't make it? There'll be a live webcast, too. But will it bring you the indescribable joy of standing in the drizzle to watch soap-opera stars talk about fake butter? We suspect not.