Teri Hatcher's $3.99 Breast Lift

Eschewing societal norms of what constitutes a legitimate "relationship," Desperate Housewives star Teri Hatcher decided early on in life to enter into a three-way love affair with her own breasts. She recently let a British magazine in on the secret to how she keeps them looking so perky years after they peaked:

She told Britain's You magazine: "Any model or Hollywood actress who wears fancy designer ball gowns knows how to expertly manipulate gaffer tape to mush, lift and hold your breasts like a bra. It's a perfect temporary boob job."

"When you wear those complicated, low-cut dresses, and you're 40, that's how you can achieve perfect cleavage."

So effectively has the adhesive material maximized Hatcher's assests in even the most revealing of complicated, low-cut dresses, there are whispers that Hatcher has now developed a full-on addiction to the entire line of 3Mâ„¢ products and their temporary rejuvenation benefits. Rumor has it, after excusing herself to "powder her nose" in fine restaurants, the tell-tale sounds of unspooling tape can often be heard coming from within her stall, after which Hatcher will return to the table, her Scotchâ„¢-mummified face pulled back into an unsettling look of frozen, youthful surprise.