Surrealist guest story: Ozark Jimmy top blogger Bob Folder is leaving.

By Curt Hopkins for Valleywag
Filed: 2006-06-13 06:00:00

Hans the Night Janitor from Chiliphone and the videoblog ElectricChiliphone just called and told me that world famous corporate blogger Bob Folder is leaving Ozark Jimmy's Global Enterprises Holding Company and will join Fold, the Silicon Valley Juggernaut. He will be moving from Little Rock to San Bruno. He does not anticipate noticing any difference.

Mr. Folder has expressed soul-contorting rage at working for the T2T (toilet-to-toilet) technology company and has also been unhappy with his compensation, which consisted of one 150-foot family spool of Ozark Jimmy's Mesquite-Flavored Japanese-Style Toilet-Bacon per fortnight.

"Delicious?" asked Folder rhetorically. "Sure. Adequate? Hardly."

Folder has created a tremendous amount of positive corporeal in-flow for Ozark Jimmy but there have been many within the organization that have resented his very public position, primary among them, the husband and wife team of Bubba Teeters, Head of Corporate Security, and Shaunta D. Teeters, Head of Corporate Fitness.

"He's a fruit pie, that boys is," said Bubba Teeters.

The company has not been able to control his views on euthanasia or his travels to various exotic "dance conferences" in Southeast Asia and meetings with "revolutionary venture capital funding cells" in whore-packed hotel rooms around the Middle East.

It is only within the past year that OZJ has tried to use Folder's position as one of the most popular and super-awesome bloggers who I know personally and he's such a sweet man and so good to kittens to its advantage, in public speaking engagements and other wet work. Before that, Mr. Folder had no travel budget and often had to share hotel rooms with up to three underage Thai "students" of indeterminate gender and bums crawling with bugs and eating curry out of diapers.

Mr. Folder might not be as interesting to some readers now that he is not at Ozark Jimmy's but he is certain to retain his rock-star status within the rock music community. Fold.com recently raised $50 million in venture capital from a clutch of shaky-handed gamblers looking for a score that will finally let them get out and move to an island in the Caribbean and open up a moped rental shop. For the price of celery salt and some shock absorbers, Fold.com has a high profile televangelist who can create a tremendous amount of buzz by dumping some powder he picked up in Uruguay into the water cooler in the company kitchen/Laserium.

It is baffling that Ozark Jimmy Inc. did not move heaven and earth to keep him chained to the ergonomic knee-chair he's occupied for the last five years. During a time when many in the fine-comestibles-and-wisdom-words/T2T technology community were still upset with the company for its alleged illegal involvement in that business with Billy-Joe Abdurrahman and the Cahuenga Brothers, Folder put a human face on a company best known for a product generally associated with the opposite end of the human equation.