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Dustin Diamond, who brought the character of marginalized adolescent Screech on Saved By The Bell so dazzlingly alive, was a guest on Howard Stern's show today. There to help save his Wisconsin home from foreclosure, Stern used the opportunity to get to the bottom of an "urban legend" that Screech is packing a python, which Diamond confirmed: Ten inches, flaccid. But not even a mutantly oversized endowment and a place in the pantheon of great TV geekdom leave you immune from the dreaded scarlet letter of bad credit. From, Diamond's badly-in-need-of-copyediting website:

I'm Dustin Diamond and you probably remember me from the hit TV show Saved By The Bell. After the show ended I decided to leave Sunny Cailfornia for the midwest. My shitty credit meant that getting a loan for a house would be tough. I began looking and finally purchsed one on a land contract. I was thrilled! Now I call Wisconsin my home.

During the past years the land around me has developed for the better and my property vaule went way up. Now that the house is worth a lot more they want it back. Knowing my credit is bad, getting a straight mortage would take some time. I recived a letter stating that I had 30 days to pay $250,000.00 or get out. I was not thrilled.

T-shirts boldly touting "I paid $15 to save Screeech's house" are available, leading us to wonder if Diamond ran into some copyright issues in trying to use his character's name, or if his T-shirt designing skills also could use some proofreading. For $5 more, Diamond will autograph the shirt for you, and while it doesn't say so on the site, we have it on good authority that any donation of $100 and above gets a polaroid of him violating Mark Paul Gosselaar's headshot with his giant member.