Short Ends: Balki Earns His Apron

· No, we have no idea what strange confluence of events led to Balki's induction into the Masons, nor do we think we could handle the truth if we found out. [via edrants]
· Jack Black prepares for the whooping he's going to give Tom Cruise in the New Celebrity Dad Potato Sack Race: "I'm going to be the best daddy on the planet and I'm going to enter the best daddy competition. And I'm going to win it."
· Free legal advice: If you absolutely must sue the horny Golden Girl, make sure that your summons goes to her lawyer, not her agent.
· Warning, following this link will lead you to pictures of a unsettling, mysterious swelling on Michael Jackson's forearm, possibly induced by a bite from a tuberculotic Cub Scout.
· Someone really wants us to link to the eBay auction for the cease-and-desist letter that a disgruntled Last Comic Standing contestant is holding, so here it is.
· This probably didn't actually happen, but what the hell: Tom Cruise sent Brad Pitt a funny little note and a teddy bear to congratulate him for successfully impregnating his wife, a stunt he himself couldn't pull off.