Looking at the Look Book

Do you recognize this woman? Yep, she's the ho who cut you off as you were exiting Barneys — she just breezed right through you, knocking down your broke ass as she hopped into her chauffered luxury SUV. She is better than you, more worthy of New York's Look Book than you'll ever be. Other, less relevant details: her name is Joanne Prager and she's a mother of four who lives in Soho. Her husband buys her clothes, her driver keeps things cozy, and her kids attend "more-traditional schools uptown." None of the hippy boho chic education downtown, not for her little babies! Sigh. Don't we all know a Joanne Prager?

After the jump, Intern Alexis rallies Jeff Miller, Rebeccas Sills, and Lauren Ro to analyze what Joanne's hiding in her hair.

Jeff Miller, Trophy Dad

If we cut off all of Joanie's hair and presented it to you, what would you do with it?

Given the salubrious foods on which Joanie dines, her hair is indeed healthy and contains many of the vital nutrients and compounds that our less fortunate neighbors have difficulty finding in their diets of
white-bread-and-vegetable-oil sandwiches. Mrs. Prager's heart will surely warm to toasty when she hears from her maid that I have taken her philanthropic cue and have begun distributing her former hair on the subway to anyone who is hungry and needs something healthy to eat, especially those with a pro-vitamin deficiency. The better the Pragers eat, the better the poor eat! Hang on a sec, Ronald Reagan is calling.

Why does Joanie's husband insist on buying all her clothing for her?

At the fund's Christmas party, many of Mr. Prager's associates became confused by Joanie's baroquely decorated aqua and purple unitard, rococo crystal headdress, and impossibly realistic whiskers. Under the misguided assumption that she was one of the performers, Jenkins and Belmondo rapturously tossed her onstage, where the insulted cast of Cirque du Soleil capably improvised a humiliating but silent image-play dramatizing Joanie's preference for banking over maternity, and they also juggled conflagrant faeces with their eyelids. This having been the third such incident in as many days, Herr Prager decided to take matters into his own hands. Though Joanie may claim she finds it cute now, when her son asks her in thirty years why she let Dad force her to wear the exact same outfit every day, she will sigh, wonder, and regret.

What are her kids' names?

Driver, Cook, Maid, and Allergist. After their just-like-grandparents.

What's in Joanie's bag?

Her children's competitors' severed hands, and bits of Kashi.


Rebecca Sills, a Jew in Daytime

If we cut off all of Joanie's hair and presented it to you, what would you do with it?

Hope you were a very prompt and genuine Indian Giver. That weave is straight up nasty.

Why does Joanie's husband insist on buying all her clothing for her?

It's a lie. Bitch just went to Barney's! That's what we childless public-transport ridin' hood rats who eat take-out each and every night and got over our Rapunzel complexes at an appropriate age call SHOP-PING. And another thing, if Joanie, keeps leaving the kids in the car while she gets her consumer on, her four year old will think Nemo is his mommy and the driver is his daddy.

What are her kids' names?

Cause for Resentment, Career Killer, I'd Rather Be Banking and The Cute Lil' Black One (he is her daddy! Oh to go slumming with the help! So very cozy and outer borough of her.)

What's in Joanie's bag?

A copy of every Ann Coulter book ever published, including the much less publicized The Adam's Apple and Me.


Lauren Ro, English major

If we cut off all of Joanie's hair and presented it to you, what would you do with it?

I'd tat her a cape like Bjork's headdress on the cover of "Medulla" so she can fly around the city with her kids clinging onto different braids. I'll bet that flying is quite the salutary mode of transportation. Joanie seems into the organic health thing — you can tell by her hair and her espadrilles.

Why does Joanie's husband insist on buying all her clothing for her?

It's his money, duh. The money she made in banking has been put away for future cosmetic surgery procedures, when nature gets too heavy, too unbecoming on her.

What are her kids' names?

Spencer (girl), 10; Maizie, 9; Siobhan, 6; 4-year-old Joe, the accident.

What's in Joanie's bag?

Nail clippers, a leotard, foldable galoshes, BlackBerry.