Guest post: Chris Coulter's field guide to vloggers

At the risk of rehashing an earlier guide to the vlogosphere — "Vlogging is just lame TV — correspondent Chris Coulter files a categorized guide to 98% of all video blogs. If you're a vlogger, don't worry, he's not talking about you — just about all your friends.

1. Vlogs about Vlogs all Vlogged up - Blog-level egos gone Video. Endless pontificational ramblings about blogs, vlogs, podcasts, RSS feeds and the whole annoying scene. Circular content circling itself, squared (and then some). Video Killed The Blogging Star.

2. YouTube Stupidisms and MySpace-Cadets - Mimicking that song or doing goofy grade-school-level humor spoofs. Funny for the first time maybe, but even a stretch there. Passable for some teenager yucking around around with a camera, but downright embarrassing for 30-something geeks. Grow up, please.

3. Tech Conference reports on Tech Conferences and the Tech Conference Attendees - Insider-baseball extreme. After recording the panels, the shaky cams wander around to the audience for another redundant poke. All smug:

"What you weren't at this conference? Well, obviously you don't matter. But have a gander at what these so-so-important people have to say. You should consider yourself darned lucky that I am sooo kind-hearted and democratically-minded as to report on this and bring it down to your level, you lower-caste low-life pond-scum miserable excuses for human beings."

4. Geek Out, Freak Out - Geeks talking about their Computers, Gadgets and all things SciFi. The neurological and medical science research vlogs are few and far between, but there are boatloads of geeks talking geeky. These are the sort of people you run away from at parties, or feign a fainting spell if cornered. Run, scream and hide.

5. Video Game Central - Endless upon endless unedited droning bluster about, gee, video games. As an added bonus, 2 hour heated-debates on Xbox 360 vs. PS3. Occasionally, self-important types wax philosophical about the social implications of World of Warcraft.

6. Egocasts - "Look at me. Look at me. Did you see me? Huh? You want me to repeat that? Look at me." Random misc. daily happenings, of no particular importance whatsoever, but said blustered ego thinks the world should know when he or she decides to change toothpaste brands. Often tries for the humorous outlook on daily life, but always fails miserably. Making the ordinary transcendent, is an art-form only a rare few ever achieve, most often found in great literature, not quite via dizzy-headache-inducing retail-purchased handheld cameras.

7. Cults of Personalities - Self-appointed Silicon Valley notables and Venture Capitalists, vlogging and podcasting themselves and their friends all up. You are supposed to worship them and join their Cult
of the Moment, as heck, that's what it takes to get in this game. We are the big dogs, and if you don't know that, I suggest you get with the program, fast.

"You gave me fortune. You gave me fame. You gave me power in your god's name. I'm every person you need to be. I'm the cult of personality."

8. Pretty in Pinks - No talent beach-ball Valley Girl wander-arounds who get the audiences and the hits on account of the Secret Decoder Ring 34DD Codename.

9. Empty Heads - Bland dull-as-rocks, corporate press-releasey talking-heads. Thought of as brand new frontier by any number of Valley podcast start-ups. Has, as a main feature, the inability to maintain EYE CONTACT with the camera. Here's a word that might be too big for Corporate Spokespeople types: T-E-L-E-P-R-O-M-P-T-E-R. They are pretty affordable these days, use and love.

10. Analyze That - Analysts and Journalists (that should really stick with print) blathering on and on about the week's general news in tech. Lots of 'ummms', 'yeah', 'cool', 'likes' with endless sputterings and long pauses. Sort of 'Washington in Week in Review' only with half a bottle of Sleeping Pills extra. Broadcasting and radio takes talent...not much of that here.

11. Wanntabee Independent Film Makers - Art films and low-budget gore films podcasted and vlogged up for their own sake. Unwatchable — all Direction and no Script. In the immortal words of Sire Joe Bob Briggs, "I hear the word 'independent,' and I see movies about schizophrenic lesbian performance artists spouting freeform poetry."