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When you're packing together a double issue and taking the next week off, how do you leave your readers? At the Observer, it's with an incredibly long profile of Us Weekly editor Janice Min. The piece seems to appear apropos nothing new other than that, well, she's back from maternity leave and, dammit, Us Weekly is good. It's the summer — that's a good enough peg, right?

To be slightly fair, it's always fun to read rambling editor interviews, but rather than ask that you delve into all four pages of rehashed celebrity worship analyses, we'll summarize the article's main points:

• We have no real friends, only celebrities.
• People don't truly love any magazines except for Us Weekly.
• Celebrity weeklies render birth control useless.
• Jann Wenner says Us Weekly takes its cues from the bible.
• You take whatever job you are offered, even if it's at a celebrity rag.
• Brangelina only pretend to want privacy and capture interest by continually cockteasing us.
• By exploiting their personal lives, no-talents like Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey continue to exist.
• By exploiting her vagina, Kristin Cavallari existed for about "32 seconds."
Us Weekly will slowly trick us into caring about Jennifer Lopez again.
• Nicole Kidman is too old for the cover.
• Tori Spelling, however, is not too ugly for the cover.

'Us' Editor Janice Min Dictates: In Raw Times, Jessica, Jen, Jolie [NYO]