There are over 1000 columnists spewing brilliance and lunacy in unfortunately unequal doses, but a survey of 154 of them turns up batshit results: when describing what it's like to write a column, "26% of salaried columnists called it a job and 17% likened it to sex." But what kind of sex? As painful as it is for us to imagine fornicating journalists (shudder), we've got our guesses: When writing, Maureen Dowd goes cowgirl, but John Tierney prefers missionary (so that's why it didnt work). Stanley Crouch would never admit it, but he can't meet deadline without bottoming; Andrea Peyser just reads like a bondage freak. And of course, Ann Coulter's just hate-fucking all sorts of fuzzy baby animals.