Janice Min, Your Savior Awaits

From the mailbox, presented without comment:

Gawker,

I'm trying to be #2 at US weekly, and have a paradigm shift for achieving this; my intuition is that if you could be on the staff of US, you would take it

My soulmate is a hollywood actress, and I've been waiting patiently for her, for almost 5 years; I can demonstrate that we're soulmates and I'm infinitely confident she would say yes

I receive concrete signs from GOD, and can offer proof to ANY reporter in REAL TIME; I've been getting signs for over 4 years - I can assure you I'm not crazy or delusional

My goal is to reach the editor of US weekly, Janice Min, and present her with my signs as well as my new paradigm for the success of her magazine. In exchange for your help, I promise you that if I get on the staff of US weekly, so will you. I have a bold new idea that I believe will be extremely popular and very invigorating to implement. It will be very rewarding and life-affirming working for US.

I have an intuition about you, as well as your website, that's why I'm proposing this arrangement (US) to you.

Can we have an e-mail dialogue? Can I send you some of the signs?

Sincerely,
[xxx]