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As exciting as video footage of Paris Hilton driving away from cops or entering and exiting nightclubs might be, the acts of chasing the celebutard ubiquity down Hollywood Boulevard or sticking a camera in her face as she steps out of her Range Rover lack a sense of intimacy. Intuiting that the public might like to see a less guarded Hilton, head TMZ stalker Harvey Levin called off his paparazzi Delta Force long enough to spend a quiet moment with the heiress, which he used to read verbatim the nasty commentary readers of his website routinely append to the site's many Hiltoncentric items, hoping to elicit the kind of publicist-approved tears Matt Lauer recently coaxed from an embattled Britney Spears. To her credit, Hilton did not crack, not even in the face of the nonsensical—but nonetheless hilarious—accusation that she is "like a fart in a mitten":

Levin asked Hilton about such comments as, "Paris is just an overused human condom," "Paris is like a fart in a mitten. You know it's there, you can't stand it, but you can't get rid of it," and "Would you please drop over dead or commit suicide you damn slut."

Hilton said "I'm far less promiscuous than any of my friends." As for the infamous sex tape with ex-lover Rick Solomon, Hilton said "I'm judged because of something that an ex-boyfriend did to me. I'm not a slut at all."

Hilton says that many of the TMZ comments are "very hurtful" to her and that some make her cry. She says "They think I don't have any feelings."

So, as they say, there you have it: Paris Hilton has feelings and is not nearly as big a slut as her friends. We might pause from puzzling out how exactly a fart might find its way into a mitten long enough to feel something like sympathy for the senselessly persecuted hotel heiress, but we're too busy wondering how long it's going to take before Lindsay Lohan's Blackberry starts vibrating with "anonymous" hate-texts comparing her to spent prophylactics and flatulence-trapping winter apparel.