Crazy 'Us Weekly' GuyTM Knows that Celebrity Weeklies Are the 'Life Matrix'


In today's edition of Crazy Us Weekly GuyTM — the delightful fellow who speaks to God, is soulmates with Jessica Alba, and just wants us to help him get in touch with Us EIC Janice Min so that he might fulfill his destiny of being #2 at the celebrity weekly — we move away from the creepier aspects of CUWGTM's obsession with Alba and more towards how Min and Us can make his dream a reality. After the jump, excerpts from Parts IV - VI, plus his thoughts on the future.

jessica was in a show called dark angel. she was featured on entertainment weekly, and that series was also on that cover. on the cover, dark angel appears as:

dark
angel

this forms the message gkel, and that was the name one of my professors at umass. i thought i did poorly on the first test, and wanted to quit. but i couldn't because it would have affected my financial aid. so i fought, and got an "A," one the very few students who did.

it was a great lesson, and the message is to not to quit, and to fight to make getting into US and marrying jessica a reality.

[...]

in the may 29, 2006 issue of us weekly, the editor tells readers that the date may 7th (5/7) is significant for various reasons. E is the 5th letter of the alphabet, and G is the 7th letter of the alphabet. therefore 57 becomes EG, or GE backwards.

the chairman of us weekly is jan wenner. her initials are JW.

jack welch, whose initials are also JW, was chairman of GE, and he became chairman/CEO in 1981, the year my soulmate was born.

[...]

examine the word "eggs." e is the 5th letter of the alphabet, and g is the 7th letter of the alphabet. and therefore, the word "eggs" becomes 57gs.

as mentioned in sign #47, 57 is significant to us weekly, and GS is pronounced "jes."

so the message is, is that us weekly (57) is going to put me in touch with jes.

[...]

57 is code for US weekly (because in the may 29, 2006 issue, the editor Janice Min tells the readers that the date 5/7 is very significant to US). so this is an example of how god encodes meaning. henceforth, the number 57 is code for US.

"0" looks like a circle which is a symbol of unity or marriage

28 is jessica's birthday

and i am god's #1

so the message becomes:

US weekly (57) marries #1 and jessica (28)

[...]

i'm going to talk about god (guide to...) but before i do that, i want to open up and talk about the future.

god represents infinite life and possibility. so does hollywood, so does US magazine. i'm well aware that if a person gets exposed to all this, then loses it, it's devastating. i don't use people, then discard them when i get what i want.

my intent with you, is to see you if you are interested in all this, and then after we meet and talk, commit to you. you might be thinking "if i help you, is this forever?" and the answer is yes, because i would never expose a person to all this then take it away from them.

i am trying to get on the staff of US and create something in hollywood that has never been done before. it's a new paradigm shift. and i need a team to do that, along with editor, janice min.

if we can talk, first through email and then in person, we can both get a feel if we want to work together. and if the answer is yes, then you can be my partner in making this a reality, and once it becomes a reality, our relationship is for forever. and i can make that promise, after i get a better sense of your personality.

in the beginning this was just about being with an actress. but what i realized over time, was that hollywood has the potential to be infinite life. it's a "life MATRIX." and the center of all that life, is US magazine.

i'll tell you what i want to do, soon. but if we can talk, and get a better sense of each other's personality, we can see if we want to work together. if the answer is yes, then we can be partners in making this a reality. i won't ask anything of you, until i get a better sense of who you are. then i can say "yes. this is for forever."

i'm aware that if you invest your spirit into something, you don't ever want to lose it. and this isn't some kind of financial investment, it's an investment of the heart. i know this, and that makes me very responsible towards the people i share this with.

jessica, US magazine has the potential to be infinite life!!!

did you see the movie miracle? it was about the USA Olympic hockey team beating the Soviets against impossible odds. and kurt russell plays their coach, herb, who leads them to that amazing victory.

he gave his team a psychology test, and i loved that so much. that's me. i'll give you a "psychology test" before i make you my partner (smile). then you can give me one, too.
then if we both want to work together, i'll commit to you forever. i would certainly not take this away from you after we win the gold...US magazine, Hollywood, is LIFE!!

god is like herb, and he wants to win the gold...i'll tell you about god (guide) in the next email...

hope you open up and talk to me...

Earlier: Gawker's Unwavering Coverage of Crazy Us Weekly GuyTM