No apocalyptic heat wave can keep the children from dancing, and so we celebrate them with Blue States Lose, our weekly socio-anthropological examination of the hipster borg. In our quest for understanding, we make fun of stupid-looking photos on The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. After the jump, Joey Arak shakes what his mama gave him.
10) Last Night's Party. Evisu photo #6911: GodDAMNit. It's just not fair is it? "Uh, yeah, so I'm wearing pink, gold, blue, maroon and green and I still look fucking spectacular, and I'm gonna unzip just this much to give you a peak at the wifebeater. Oh, you want to hear my demo? That's so nice of you! It's just a little freestyling over some beats I made on my Macbook, nothing serious you know, but Jay sure seems to be digging it. Did you know I work in fashion? Sure I'll take a look at your headshots. Oh, they're back at your place? Well let's go then..."
9) Misshapes. July 15, 2006 photo #047: The New York version: "Fingerless gloves, knives and daggers and shit all over my shirt...fuck yeah I'm tough as nails. I dare any bitch-ass punk in this motherfucker to try me. Like I said, I dare any non-minority bitch-ass punk in this motherfucker to try me. Phew."
The Los Angeles version: "Knives and daggers and shit all over my shirt...fuck yeah I'm tough as nails. I dare any bitch-ass punk in this motherfucker to try me. Like I said, I dare any bitch-ass punk in this motherfucker to try me. What the fuck you looking at, thirty-four eyes?"
8) Misshapes. July 15, 2006 photo #287, photo #30 and photo #014: Don't you think it's pretty apparent that Death has a sense of humor? After all, he could've taken Pete Doherty away from us on any one of 47 trillion ripe opportunities, but he lets the old boy keep on keepin' on so that dozens of lazy downtownerser, "stylish" downtowners according to whichever magazine is writing about Misshapes this monthcan follow his ill-advised style cues and make total asses out of themselves. The Reaper could pounce, but he'd rather let Petey reach that illustrious goal of "most influential musician nobody actually listens to." Pretty cheeky when you think about it.
7) Last Night's Party. Evusi photo #7000: Jesus, Mary & Joseph, isn't this just rich! Hey, why don't you toss out an aloof stare and try to draw everyone in with those puppy-dog eyes. Wow, that's original. Then why don't you pretend like you don't want to be there, and then get down on all-fours and cause a huge scene, you party animal. You fucking bitch. You stupid little dumb fucking bitch.
6) The Cobrasnake. Sharper Image photo #9496: Lookup in the sky! Is it a bird?! A plane?! A malnourished teenager who dresses like she raided her retarded grandma's basement and does nothing with her wasted life but pose for pictures on a website and hang out and live off her parents while waiting to get famous for some as-yet-unrevealed talent?! Nope! It's all that, plus a friend!
5) Misshapes. July 15, 2006 photo #231: When we saw that the Misshapes gang was going to be DJing the Siren Festival, we were just as confused as all of you. Princess Coldstare, Leotard Fantastic and The Other Guy...in the daytime? We had no idea what form they would take when bathed in the sun's rays, but if there's one prediction we never would have made in a million years, it was probably no-wave meets stoked hippie meets Elton John. You see, compadres? That's how you land a backpack endorsement deal.
4) Misshapes. July 15, 2006 photo #245: Speaking of, don't you think that in five years (sooner?), we'll all look back at this picture and fondly remember the days when Misshapes ruled the world. It'll warm the cockles of our heart, surely, but we'll definitely wonder what the fuck Gael Garcia Bernal had to do with it.
3) The Cobrasnake. Scanners Planners photo #2222:Consider this the line in the sand. After all this time, you're pretty much in one of two camps. Either the sight of Steve Aoki makes you want to puke up your lunch just to throw it in his dumb fucking Rakes-loving face, or it makes you think that you're missing out on a really cool party that you wish you were at. Look at this picture and just go with your gut, and let's just drop this forever. OK, OK...one more.
2) Misshapes. July 15, 2006 photo #008: Look at this prize. He knows it. Was there every any doubt, friend? Of course not. The scraggly moustache, the silly upturned hat, the low-cut shirt to show off the scrawny physique, the hair that looks like it was used to mop the floor of Don Hill's. If there was ever a hipster version of Tiger Beat (and we think we just made a million dollars), this would be a pull-out poster with a fake lipstick kiss in the corner.
1) The Cobrasnake. Caked Up Confidence photo #3122: We say it's funny that hipsters hate sleeves, he cuts them off. We say it's funny that hipsters have sloppy facial hair, he grows some. We say it's funny that hipsters wear dainty scarves in the summer, he goes out and heads straight for the Burberry rack. We say it's funny to be a Madden brother, he puts on some eyeliner. What is this guy? The Idiot's Guide to Being a Fucking Toolbag?