George Michael Finds Father Figure In London Park

British tabloid News of the World just happened to be milling about a London park known for being a popular gay cruising spot (hey, even British tabloids have needs), when who should emerge from the bushes at 3 a.m. but a "wild-eyed and trembling" George Michael, who threatened to sue as he quickly peeled off in his car. He was followed soon thereafter by a tubby, 58-year-old man named Norman Kirtland, who was more than willing to describe in full detail their night of anonymous, public passion:

Looking gross and dishevelled, Kirtland answered the door naked — pulling on grimy shorts as he invited us in.

He told us: "I don't even like George Michael. And I didn't recognise him immediately. [...]

"He told me I could contact him on the Gaydar website and we just started kissing.

"He did it very well. That was one of his major points. Then it was fondling and mutual pleasuring. It wasn't full sex but it was fantastic."

Kirtland's confession then took a bizarre twist as he bragged: "There's a secret that I have which no one knows about. It's a personal thing.

"Most people pull away from it. But George actually seemed to respond.

We'll leave any postulation as to the exact nature of Kirtland's "personal secret" up to your undoubtedly fertile imaginations, though perhaps the News' ominous sidebar, "CHECK OUT OUR SEX SHAME SLIDESHOW HERE," can provide some helpful visual clues regarding that matter. Michael, meanwhile, appears to have hit a new low with his latest tryst: While we can understand how the discovery of new sex partners in the pitch dark of a park at 3 a.m. is never less than exciting, perhaps the aging mess might want to explore the more traditional, famous-horny-gay-person route of ordering hustlers to his home the next time he feels a hankering for some completely new penis.