The Ice Storm

While the Internet provides countless opportunities for expression, connection, and experimentation that otherwise might have never occurred, these expressions are, as you might expect, of varying quality. So when we spot something as entertaining as this Craigslist ad, we feel duty-bound to pass it along. It's a gripping tale of real estate and unstoppable compulsions, and you really do need to read it. We're just sorry that the no doubt bored office drone who wrote it during work had to resort to CL to get this gem published: It should have been a "Shouts & Murmurs" piece in The New Yorker. I mean, it's certainly no less funny than anything Andy Borowitz ever wrote.

UPDATE: The ad was deleted from Craigslist, but we re-present it for you, after the jump.

$550 - Huge room available - with a twist! [CL]

$550 - Huge room available - with a twist!
Reply to: hous-186020008@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-25, 9:58AM EDT


Hello potential roommates!

I come to you today with an offer you might not be able to refuse. Due to my current roommate's imminent departure, I have available a large furnished room on the first floor of a three-story walk-up in the heart of the East Village (4th Street and Second Avenue). There are two bedrooms in the place, and yours would be the largest.

I don't need to tell you that this is near all the cool spots, including restaurants, bars, cafes, theatres, concert halls, etc. However, the room itself is private, at the end of a long hallways, and very quiet. The dimensions are 15x17, and it has two windows which look onto our interior courtyard. Bed, wardrobe, desk, and air conditioning come with the room. $550 includes all utilities.

You may be wondering why the price is so low. Well, here's the twist: I am a 25 year old male with a slight social problem which, to some, makes me an undesirable roommate.

I'll get right to the point: I have a compulsion to put ice cubes down people's shirts. As my roommate, you will likely bear the brunt of this problem.

Don't ask me to explain why I do this. It's a serious psychological issue, and years of therapy haven't helped.

Let me emphasize: it will not go ANY FURTHER than the ice cubes. I am not abusive or perverted in any way, and I will never make lewd comments or touch you inappropriately. I also do not drop heavier or steaming hot objects down people's shirts. Only ice cubes.

What this means for you: when you are sitting on the couch, or at the dinner table, or basically anywhere in the apartment, I may come up to you and drop an ice cube down your shirt.

I always have ice cubes on hand. DO NOT thnk you can simply get ride of all ice trays in the apartment. Trust me, I have tried this, as have various roommates. It doesn't work, I will only buy more.

I prefer someone who does not like to have friends over, unless they understand my problem. They are prone to having ice cubes put down their shirt.

Your bedroom door has a sturdy lock, so you will always be secure while sleeping. Ditto for the bathroom. I may turn the doorknob on rare instances, but a stern word is usually enough to send me on my way.

On infrequent occasions, I have been known to follow someone onto the street to put an ice cube down their shirt. Once, I showed up at a roommate's place of business. However, this was a wake-up call, and I can assure you it's something I may not repeat.

Okay, I think that covers it. As you see, this is a great room in a terrific location, for a very, very low price. Quite simply, you won't find a deal like it anywhere in the city. However, my roommate will have to be tolerant. It takes great patience, and others have failed. It may seem like a minor problem, but eventually all the ice can become very annoying.

Otherwise, I am a caring, conscientious person. I work in finance, and enjoy mountain biking on the weekends.

So send me e-mail me if you're interested! Please address the ice cube problem and how you plan to deal with it. I need to be sufficiently impressed, because I don't want to find another roommate after one month. Ignoring the problem only makes it worse. Also include some of your favorite hobbies.

My current roommate is leaving to move in with her boyfriend, but before that, we had a successful relationship for one year. She even said the ice was something of a relief in the summer months, which can become very hot.

Females are preferred, but guys, don't let that deter you! Move-in would be anytime between now and September 1. I'm flexible.

Thanks for listening!